“Life is the art of being well deceived; and in order that the deception may succeed it must be habitual and uninterrupted.” -William Hazlitt

“Life is the art of being well deceived; and in order that the deception may succeed it must be habitual and uninterrupted.” -William Hazlitt

He’d been cheating on me, and I found out about it on Facebook. I saw her profile, some trashy looking girl with black hair and piercings. What the fuck?

Let me back up a bit.

If you recall, I sent him an email… I put it all out there, told him how much he’d meant to me simply because I wanted him to know, told him I wished him well and I hoped we could stay in touch and learn to be friends. Told him how much he inspired me and how he opened me up to the world in so many ways. I mean… I REALLY put it all out there.

A week later I got an out of the blue text from him. He said he hasn’t been able to get into his email, something to do with having to recover his account (blah blah), but he asked me to re-send it to him on Facebook and that he’d “love to read it all”. I told him I would, he said “thank you”, and I did.

While I was on his profile I noticed this skanky girl he’d become friends with just before we broke up had posted a link on his recent status update. I clicked her profile…

…and right there staring me in the face was her relationship status. “Skanky Hobag is in a relationship with The Supposed Love of My Life, dated When We Were Still Together”. Oh, and I can’t forget the photo of them kissing that accompanied the status.

Finding out was like a knife in the chest. The night before the status was posted, I’d slept in his bed alone after girls night at his place (with the girlfriends of all of his friends). I’d waited up until 4am, but he never came home. That was the day before it was posted, and I can’t help but wonder how long before that he’d been seeing her.

I’m conflicted. On one hand, I can’t seem to make myself believe that those intimate heartfelt moments between us and all the thoughtful things he did for me, was a rouse. On the other hand, I wonder if it was.

Was he cheating on me throughout our entire relationship? What the hell was he doing when he asked me not to see other people? When he integrated me into his life and his social circle? When he met my friends? When he gazed into my eyes before he kissed me? When he asked me my ring size? When he suggested we move in together down the road? What the fuck was he thinking?

…and at what point did it change?

I won’t ever know, and that’s the cold, hard truth. I’ll never know if he’s a good person who made a terrible mistake and what his reasoning was for it, or if he really is a monster douchebag and pulled a good one over on me. Only he knows his intentions and his heart, so I’ll have to accept it and move on, it’s (not so) simple as that.

So that’s where I am now. Moving on.

Or trying to.

That Moment When…

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…you unexpectedly realize “the love of your life” was cheating on you for god knows how long and has been in a Facebook status worthy relationship with some skanky looking girl for a month and a half already. …you realize … Continue reading

What He Doesn’t Know

He doesn’t know that I spent many hours reading about Turkish culture so that I could understand where he comes from.

He doesn’t know that I spent even more hours reading about Islam so I could understand what he believes in.

He doesn’t know that I had nightmares of him being enlisted into the Turkish military and being put into harms way.

He doesn’t know that I fell in love with him despite still caring for another.

He doesn’t know that when I was with him, no other man in the world existed.

He doesn’t know that the thought of losing him put me over the edge, into the worst anxiety attack I’ve ever had.

He doesn’t know that I went out and bought a whole new drawer full of sexy lingerie, just for him.

He doesn’t know how much I reached out to my friends and family in search of ways to help him get a longer Visa.

He doesn’t know that I’d have married him in a heartbeat to keep him here, because I loved him that much.

He doesn’t know that I thought he would make an amazing husband, and father.

He doesn’t know that with him, I’d never felt scared or alone.

He doesn’t know that he was exactly the man I’d been searching for my entire life.

He doesn’t know that I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together.

He doesn’t know how much I’m going to miss him.