“Life is the art of being well deceived; and in order that the deception may succeed it must be habitual and uninterrupted.” -William Hazlitt

He’d been cheating on me, and I found out about it on Facebook. I saw her profile, some trashy looking girl with black hair and piercings. What the fuck?

Let me back up a bit.

If you recall, I sent him an email… I put it all out there, told him how much he’d meant to me simply because I wanted him to know, told him I wished him well and I hoped we could stay in touch and learn to be friends. Told him how much he inspired me and how he opened me up to the world in so many ways. I mean… I REALLY put it all out there.

A week later I got an out of the blue text from him. He said he hasn’t been able to get into his email, something to do with having to recover his account (blah blah), but he asked me to re-send it to him on Facebook and that he’d “love to read it all”. I told him I would, he said “thank you”, and I did.

While I was on his profile I noticed this skanky girl he’d become friends with just before we broke up had posted a link on his recent status update. I clicked her profile…

…and right there staring me in the face was her relationship status. “Skanky Hobag is in a relationship with The Supposed Love of My Life, dated When We Were Still Together”. Oh, and I can’t forget the photo of them kissing that accompanied the status.

Finding out was like a knife in the chest. The night before the status was posted, I’d slept in his bed alone after girls night at his place (with the girlfriends of all of his friends). I’d waited up until 4am, but he never came home. That was the day before it was posted, and I can’t help but wonder how long before that he’d been seeing her.

I’m conflicted. On one hand, I can’t seem to make myself believe that those intimate heartfelt moments between us and all the thoughtful things he did for me, was a rouse. On the other hand, I wonder if it was.

Was he cheating on me throughout our entire relationship? What the hell was he doing when he asked me not to see other people? When he integrated me into his life and his social circle? When he met my friends? When he gazed into my eyes before he kissed me? When he asked me my ring size? When he suggested we move in together down the road? What the fuck was he thinking?

…and at what point did it change?

I won’t ever know, and that’s the cold, hard truth. I’ll never know if he’s a good person who made a terrible mistake and what his reasoning was for it, or if he really is a monster douchebag and pulled a good one over on me. Only he knows his intentions and his heart, so I’ll have to accept it and move on, it’s (not so) simple as that.

So that’s where I am now. Moving on.

Or trying to.