Just some Mid-September Updates

Some updates in puke-on-the-page style, because I just took NyQuil and am falling asleep…

1) A couple of weeks ago I left The Italian a voicemail saying I was checking in to see how he was feeling (he had a cold). This morning I told him I was staying home because I wasn’t feeling well. He phoned tonight after work to ask how I was feeling and wish me sweet dreams. I was in awe by the sweetness of this because it was thoughtful and because we don’t usually talk on the phone. I’m glad to know I set a precedent of sorts. I’m also reminded of all the sweet things Y did for me… before he cheated on me… and then the scepticism creeps in and I’m just confused. I guess it’ll be a while before that goes away.

2) I’m trying to be open to The Italian as more than a rebound boyfriend. He’s acting as though he legitimately likes me, and I don’t want to miss an opportunity because my head is somewhere else. Besides, he made some crack the other day about me not noticing him even when he was sitting right beside me. Oops. That said, I’m still taking it slow… really, I have no choice. I’m just not in a position to jump right in with my heart.

3) I should have the keys to my new place by the end of this weekend. I’m so excited, I can’t wait to have my own space again. I’ve been decorating it on Pinterest all day.

4) I tried to shave my 100 pound dog today, so she wouldn’t shed so much in my new place. She looks horrid. Poor thing.

5) Therapy is going pretty well. She’s given me some good tips for handling my anxiety. To be honest, it’s just nice to be able to talk to someone who knows how to ask the right questions.

6) The meds are keeping me level and keeping the anxiety at bay as well. If only I could remember to take them every day. I’ve been bad about that this week.

7) Y’s best friends fiancé has been inviting me over for coffee then rescheduling last minute. She’s not very organized, but she desperately wants to be my friend and she hates Y. She told me she wants me to attend their wedding. Yeah… awkward much?

8) Speaking of Y… people keep asking me if he went back to Turkey. Honestly, I don’t know. I think he’s still here, but I’ve done my best to block all thoughts of him out of my mind completely (survival tactic). I really don’t want to talk about him yet. I still just can’t go there. It will probably be years before I can think back on it and not be hurt. I know there’s a lesson in there somewhere, but it will be longer, if ever, before I figure out what it is.

9) I deactivated my Facebook before I went on my vacation to Florida, and aside from a couple of times I logged in quickly to search for an address, photo etc., it’s still deactivated. I don’t really miss it like I thought I would. I needed to disconnect. I’ve been living my life more.

10) I’ve been busy as all hell… and on purpose. I have been making a point of getting out with friends as much as possible, spending time with The Italian once or twice a week, and making efforts to progress my life and just be happy.

11) I had the most amazing vacation. Visiting my family (who I’d mostly never met) was awesome! They were so much fun, and I saw some amazing places (Siesta Key Beach in Sarasota was by far the most gorgeous place I’ve ever seen). To be honest, it was nice to spend a few days with people who didn’t know anything about my recent breakup. No one asked questions, I didn’t have to explain anything, and I just got a break from it! The last half of my trip was phenomenal too! I got to catch up with a friend from high school who I’ve really been missing. We had such a nice time re-connecting and just hanging out. I loved every minute of it!! It was so nice to see the life she’s built for herself and to get to be a part of it for a few days. My vacation was exactly the break I’d been hoping for.

12) Two weeks from today I board a plane for Chicago, where I get to meet some of my best friends for the first time. Me and four of my best blogger girlfriends in the same room… finally. It seems surreal. We have a lot of fun stuff planned for the weekend, but honestly I would be happy to sit on the floor beside them, painting our toenails and having girl chat all weekend. I can’t wait. And no, I’m not nervous in the least. What’s there to be nervous about? They’re my best friends. :)

13) I’ve passed the point of no return with the NyQuil.

Finding Passion in a Mediocre Life

i will not cause pain

They say we do some of our best writing when we’re in the depths of despair… when we’re heartbroken, grieving, or otherwise struggling. They also say it is those moments that we are defined. Overcoming hardships builds character and strength, … Continue reading

Shuswap Bliss: Wineries, Lakes, and a Little Bit of Soul Searching

This little four day extended long-weekend that I planned, has been amazing. The perfect blend of all the things I need right now. My cousin and her husband are great to travel with and I am so grateful that in the (somewhat resented) absence of my own boyfriend, I don’t feel like a third wheel.

Last year when TBHHH came to visit it rained nearly the entire time we were in lake country, but this year the sun is shining, the boats are out, the wineries are open, and the ice cream is in full supply.

It’s been an amazing couple of days. I feel like I’ve gotten a bit of R&R, and done my best to keep my mind busy and off of the current man situation. That’s been a refreshing change.

It’s hard to have blind faith in something (or someone), because it opens me up to a world of vulnerabilities, but I simply can not believe that the best relationship I’ve ever been in has come to an end, without cause or explanation. And so I have no choice but to have faith that in time, he will come around… and if Ramadan ends and his visa extension is approved and I still don’t hear from him, then I suppose at that time I’ll have to face the realities of the situation and make a decision to move on. But until then, he deserves the benefit of the doubt.

…and so I’ve spent my mini-vacation with faith in my heart and an accumulating box of wine in the car. I figure at the end of this, one or both of them will be what pulls me through.

In the meantime, one last day at the beach is in order before the long drive home.