2013 Goals: Yes, I am Writing “That Post”

1. Get a new job: There’s a reason this is number one on my list. It’s no secret that my job has been making me consistently more miserable for a long time. It’s to the point where I feel depressed, my performance isn’t what it usually is, and most days I’m on the edge of just walking right out the door with my middle finger in the air. I’ve tried so hard to be patient and make things better, but I’ve waited too long. That ship has sailed and it’s time to find a new harbour. Or something like that… I don’t really know much about sailing.

2. Contemplate new career  choice, schooling or my own business: I’ve always imagined having my own business. In my mind its been a small shop full of eclectic home decor, but I’m not sure there’s really a market for that kind of thing… or much money in it. I’d like to do some more research on that and decide if it’s something I can really do or if I should consider some other options.

3. Maintain a fuller social calendar: I am what my therapist calls an “extroverted introvert”. Who knew, eh? I love to be social but I also need my recovery time. For this reason I go through phases where I’m extremely social and other times when I’m a total homebody and I don’t much care about getting out. In 2013 I’d like to balance that a bit better by going out at least on a weekly basis. My reason for this is that I spend too much time in my own head, over-analyzing life instead of just living it.

4. Visit Melanie: I haven’t seen my best friend since April, and I miss her like crazy. I need to make seeing her a priority this year, above anyone else.

5. Go to therapy more often: I’ve been experiencing grief since my early teenage years, and I’ve never really talked to anyone about it. As I get older and I see things from different perspectives, I’d like to open up those old wounds and see if I can make some more sense of them. This is partly for the purpose of healing, but also to have a better understanding of grief itself- so that I can better relate to my family who have handled it in different ways.

6. Read Anxiety book: My therapist recommended a book on anxiety. I’ve read through the first part and I’d like to continue reading through it and trying some of the anxiety-reducing techniques.

7. Build stronger relationships: I grew up in a broken home, so I don’t really know what a solid, healthy relationship looks like. I think I’m figuring it out though, and I’d like to try my best to build one.

8. Arrange another blogger meet-up. We talked about doing this annually, and I’m not sure I can afford it this year, but I’m going to try my hardest to make it work.

9. Increase salary: My bills are all paid, but with the increase in my expenses over the past year, things are pretty tight again. I’d like to increase my salary so I can pay off some newly acquired debt and go shopping, all at the same time.

10. Decrease debt: I shopped too much and took a lot of vacations this year. They were all amazing experiences, but unfortunately they were paid for on credit. I need to focus on paying that off and being a bit more mindful this year.

11. Get my happy back: I want to feel good about life again. I think this will tie-in a lot to my career decisions.

12. Stay pretty: Make my physical appearance a priority. It’s not so much about vanity as it is about respect from others and from myself. Unfortunately this is a world mainly based on first impressions and women especially are simply not taken seriously unless they’re completely “put together”… so I guess I’m going to try not to panic over spending a bit more cash on my hair, nails, etc. Instead, I’ll look at it as an investment.

Trying to Get My Happy Back

I’ve always been strong. Too strong, perhaps. I’ve been through numerous struggles in my life and I’ve always come out on top because I didn’t let myself break down, not really. But this time, it couldn’t be helped. The stress and grief I’ve been holding in for the past eight months came to a head when they were combined with romance struggles, and I crumbled.

In the wake of my recent meltdown, I had to make some decisions. Decisions to start doing things for me. To acknowledge my breaking point for what it was and do what I had to do to make it to the other side.

I’ve struggled with my anxiety for years, but the thought of medication scared me. My Dad was a pill-popper and I don’t like the stigma attached. But honestly, when my doctor wrote me a prescription for an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medicine, I was relieved. It’s been two weeks now, and I’m starting to feel better. I wasn’t really depressed per say, though I had my days, but I feel calmer… more at ease.

The second thing I did was book appointments with a psychologist. Another stigma I didn’t want to admit to, but I had my first session today and it was nice to have someone unbiased and removed to talk to.

Third, I made appointments with two different mediums. It sounds kooky, I know… but I do have a spiritual side and I’m trying to open up to that a little bit more. I want to explore my own faith. I even bought a book that was recommended to me, it’s on meditations to open your heart. Sounds a little cheeseball, I know. Regardless, the medium appointments were helpful, and you’ll be happy to know that according to them, my previously amazing but recently MIA boyfriend is “the one”. I’ve been instructed to be patient and have faith, and he’ll come back once he’s finished freaking out over the fact that *gasp* he’s fallen in love for the first time.

Lastly, I bought a journal. This blog is amazing, but writing my feelings down while they’re raw and unedited is freeing. It helps me to vent the irrational thoughts and things that I know don’t make any sense.

All of these things have helped. I’m starting to feel better already. More patient and calm. Less panicked, and more content that things will work out as they always do, and I’ll make it through as I always do.

I’m still going to have my bad days and bad moments on good days, but it’s progress.

*EDIT*

Ohhhmyyygooooood how could I forget?!!!

I also booked two more vacations, for a grand total of three vacations over the next three months! This weekend I’m taking 4 days and heading to lake/wine country with my cousin and her husband. In September I’m heading to Florida for a week to visit a friend from my school days who I’ve barely seen in years and can’t wait to spend time with (!!!), and of course… in October I get to spend three awesome days with some of my absolute best blogger friends. What more could a girl need?!