…that feeling you get when you find out the love of your life has moved on with someone else… the heart stabbing, the panic rising, the blood rushing, the chest tightening, the can’t breathe, can’t move, can’t freak out because someone might notice…
I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea to reach out after seven months of zero contact. I spent weeks thinking about if I should or not. I thought of every reason not to; I stalled myself the best that I could. But then I did it anyway; because I’ve been having dreams about him. After all this time, he’s come back into my head and my heart and I can’t shake him. I never could.
The stupid thing is that I knew. I knew if he wasn’t reaching out to me it was because he’d found someone else. I know him well enough to know that. So why did I need confirmation? Why on earth did I have to put myself through this torture when the torture of wondering and longing was lesser?
This is… a hit to the self-confidence. I know it shouldn’t be, but it is. This isn’t the first time I’ve been traded in for someone else. Not the first time I’ve loved someone who didn’t love me back. In fact, my exes who married right after me are now in such growing numbers that they could start their own club. Yep, definitely a hit to the self-confidence.
The funny thing is that Andy was the first man I ever felt could “put up” with me. He could banter with me; he could handle my strong opinions, my stubbornness and impatience and all the rest of my downfalls. We were great together. He gave me hope that I could be loved. But now that hope is gone, because I realize that I was never good enough for him. Two and a half years we spent pretending there were “obstacles” or fears of past hurts in the way, but he had no problem moving into a new relationship after me. During me, for all I know. His words were, “same job, same gf, same house”. So I guess this isn’t really anything new. While I’ve been longing for him, I probably haven’t even been a blip in his memory. Yep, definitely a hit to the self-confidence.
I’m not lonely. I’m not even looking for someone to love right now. I’m so focused on the adoption and my house that relationships don’t even cross my mind, except for him, while I sleep. I wish I could make it stop. Maybe it will now. Maybe this will bring peace in time, once the hurt stops and I stop feeling like I just got the wind knocked out of me. In time.