Mistake

…that feeling you get when you find out the love of your life has moved on with someone else… the heart stabbing, the panic rising, the blood rushing, the chest tightening, the can’t breathe, can’t move, can’t freak out because someone might notice…
…that.

I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea to reach out after seven months of zero contact. I spent weeks thinking about if I should or not. I thought of every reason not to; I stalled myself the best that I could. But then I did it anyway; because I’ve been having dreams about him. After all this time, he’s come back into my head and my heart and I can’t shake him. I never could.

The stupid thing is that I knew. I knew if he wasn’t reaching out to me it was because he’d found someone else. I know him well enough to know that. So why did I need confirmation? Why on earth did I have to put myself through this torture when the torture of wondering and longing was lesser?

This is… a hit to the self-confidence. I know it shouldn’t be, but it is. This isn’t the first time I’ve been traded in for someone else. Not the first time I’ve loved someone who didn’t love me back. In fact, my exes who married right after me are now in such growing numbers that they could start their own club. Yep, definitely a hit to the self-confidence.

The funny thing is that Andy was the first man I ever felt could “put up” with me. He could banter with me; he could handle my strong opinions, my stubbornness and impatience and all the rest of my downfalls. We were great together. He gave me hope that I could be loved. But now that hope is gone, because I realize that I was never good enough for him. Two and a half years we spent pretending there were “obstacles” or fears of past hurts in the way, but he had no problem moving into a new relationship after me. During me, for all I know. His words were, “same job, same gf, same house”. So I guess this isn’t really anything new. While I’ve been longing for him, I probably haven’t even been a blip in his memory. Yep, definitely a hit to the self-confidence.

I’m not lonely. I’m not even looking for someone to love right now. I’m so focused on the adoption and my house that relationships don’t even cross my mind, except for him, while I sleep. I wish I could make it stop. Maybe it will now. Maybe this will bring peace in time, once the hurt stops and I stop feeling like I just got the wind knocked out of me. In time.

Dating During Adoption

I’ve been thinking a lot about love, lately. I think it has very little to do with the adoption, but probably a lot to do with the fact that I’m preparing my life and my home for a family; I’m settling down.

I don’t feel any pangs of regret or need to have the husband before I adopt. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything. I think I’m just simply ready to find a long-term love. I’m finding my thoughts constantly wandering towards that warm, adoring, safe place that is being in love. It sure would be nice to have someone around to share my life with.

The timing is really unfortunate, because I can’t very well start dating right now. When would I possibly have the time to weed through potential mates? And what would I say to them about the adoption? Then there’s the more complicated matter of introducing them to the children. These kids are going to take a very long time to settle in and become comfortable and secure as a family, it wouldn’t be fair to throw an additional person into the mix, especially if that person was still a question mark in my mind. No, the whole idea seems out of place. Dating will have to wait.

I wonder then, how do the rest of the single mother’s go about dating? What will I be facing once my children are in a good enough place that I can put myself out there again? Is there ever a “good time” to add someone your family, and how do you go about doing it? Of course, my situation is unique so there will be differences, but there’s no point reinventing the wheel.

2013 on Fire

Twenty-thirteen has been another big year for me. The year started off pretty stressful; I was at a job I absolutely hated going to every day, I struggled with managing my dad’s estate and the related expenses, I went to therapy to work through feelings of resentment towards my mother, I broke up with Levi after much contemplation and my neighbours were causing trouble.

By fall I seemed to have found some peace. I moved jobs to something I enjoy more, in a friendlier environment. I sold my dad’s property which kicked off the closing of the estate and pay-out of my inheritance which I used to purchase my first home, a four-bedroom + den duplex in the suburbs near my family. My relationship with my mom seems to have gotten much better. I found peace with the past through therapy and have done my best to let things go. She’s working hard on being my mother and my friend, and she’s been my biggest support as I proceed through the domestic adoption process which kicked off when I submitted my application in April. Levi and I have managed to remain casual friends, we text on occasion and exchange pleasantries.

As the snow starts to fall, I have moved in, renovated my bathroom, painted my bedroom and gotten mostly settled into the new house. I’ve completed the next step in the adoption paperwork, met a few people who are going through the same life-changing process, and am getting ready for Christmas with my family.

Moving into 2014, I’m expecting the year to be mostly focused on the adoption process. In January I have five mandatory parental training days. After that I’ll begin the home study process and hopefully by spring I’ll be in the system and waiting to be matched with my future children. I’m not sure how long the matching process will take, but once it is complete I’ll be shifting into parental leave and mommy-hood within a few days. From there, who knows what the remainder of the year will bring.

I expect I’ll do some other projects around the house next year, but they’ll be small in nature and likely tailored more towards functionality than cosmetic or repair work.

I don’t anticipate my love life revving up anytime soon. Just the thought of starting a romance while I’m working through the adoption process sounds complicated and exhausting. Once the kids are settled in and attaching well, I’ll consider opening myself up to the idea of romance again. In the meantime, it’s just me and a bottle of wine by the fire, watching “The Holiday”.

Vacations next year will pretty much be on the fly as well. I don’t think I’ll have the time or money for a real vacation and once the kids come we’ll need to stay close to home. I might take a staycation in February or March, and I wouldn’t mind investing in a small trailer to tow behind my Jeep so the kids, the dogs and I can all pack up and road trip to the island to visit my BFF. I think the kids would really like it, and there are plenty of lakes and kid attractions along the way.

I guess, reflecting on what I’ve written so far, 2013 was sort of a transitional year. As always, I’m very much looking forward to what’s in store.