When I started this blog, I wasn’t in a good place financially or romantically. I was struggling to re-build my life. This was a tool for me to express myself so that I didn’t over-think my life to death. I … Continue reading
People ask me how I’m doing, and I lie. I tell them I’m managing because the truth might break me. Most days, it’s all I can do just to hold back the tears. I’m so overwhelmed by my emotions that I might crack at any given moment. I’m afraid of losing my mind. I’m afraid of screaming or crying or throwing something against a wall. I’m bitchy. I’m sensitive. I’m depressed. I don’t want to talk about it because I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to acknowledge it because I’m afraid the tears might never stop once they start. I’m afraid to show weakness, because I’ve always been the one to keep it together. I’m afraid I’ve ruined my life. I’ve given up my condo to live with my Mother and I worry about regret. I worry about losing my job because I can’t think clearly enough to appropriately deal with difficult people or situations. Every day it is a struggle to walk into the office. I have to force a smile and pretend like I care about what so-and-so did last night. I feel incompetent, worthless, unappreciated. I can’t have a conversation with my boss without nearly crying. I haven’t even had time to grieve for my father because I’m too caught up in estate responsibilities and work stress. I’m a mess. My whole life is a mess. Three months ago the only thing I could truly complain about was my complicated love life and now I thrive on it because it’s the only thing normal and recognizable. I need a break. I need to submerge myself in a good book, I need to lie on a beach. I need to hug my best friend for the first time in a year and I need to cry with her. I need to laugh and to love and to catch up on sleep. I need to slow down, I need to breathe again, and I need time to miss my Dad. I’m just not sure how to get from here to there.
I’ve been sitting here staring at this blank text box. I have so much going on inside my head right now but I feel like I’ve said it all before. Things aren’t getting any easier lately, and I can feel the ceiling just about to come crashing down on me. I made this insane decision yesterday, to move back in with my Mom & brother for a few months. I’d been going back and forth on it for weeks and finally I just thought, “something’s got to change”. I’ve always said that when in a rut, change one thing and the rest will follow, so I’m hoping that stands true under these sorts of circumstances as well, except instead of falling apart, I’m hoping things will fall back together.
I’ve already had calls from people interested in renting my condo, so I had a few moments of panic earlier today… wondering if it was too late to change my mind. I’m giving up the one steady thing in my life right now, the one place that offers me some sort of comfort and feeling of home. But, it is also lonely here, though I think I have grown accustomed to being lonely. But alas, it is too late to change my mind. If tomorrow’s viewing goes well then I could be moving before the end of the month. Talk about lighting a fire under one’s ass.
I stayed in tonight, alone. I don’t hate Valentine’s Day and I’m not much for these sorts of holidays but it gets to a person seeing all of the flowers delivered and everyone posting the god damn pictures on Facebook (have mercy, for Christ sake). It’s enough to make even the most secure single person want to poke their eyeballs out, and so I did what any self respecting girl would do. I bought myself flowers and cookie dough and rented a chick flick. I probably looked more than a little pathetic in the grocery store line up with my bottle of cosmopolitain mix in tow, because the guy in front of me started to flirt. Then he gave me his collectors stickers. You can use those towards free dishes you know, he must have felt bad for me. And that is what my love life has resorted to.
Tonight was going to be a classic girls night in. I have these on a weekly basis (usually Fridays), so I was anticipating a nice relaxing evening… but it was sombre, like something gloomy was hanging in the air. I cleaned up a bit, put the flowers in a vase on the table, watched my movie, chatted with my best friend about our upcoming vacation (the one good thing in my life right now is only having another month before I get to see my best friend. I am going to give her the biggest god damn hug), and then I decided to sort through the mail. Big mistake. Another bill resulting from my Dad’s estate was in the pile of envelopes. This time a lawyers bill that I wasn’t expecting quite this soon. After I bandaged up the resulting paper cut, I just sat down on my bed thinking about more of my savings going down the drain, and started to cry. First because I was angry, and then because I was sad, and then because I was completely drained. I am completely drained. I’m not sure any of this is worth it. Part of me wishes I had tossed someone the keys to my Dad’s house and said- “take it!”. I don’t want it. Instead, I have to spend four days this weekend washing and painting walls, and arranging to spend more money on new flooring I couldn’t care less to have. It will be good to be in the comforts of home in a sense, though. I will like to breathe in the clean mountain air for a few days, as it’s the only place that has ever really put me at ease.
The ironic thing is that for my entire life, my Dad & Grandma were my go-to people whenever I was sad, and now it is them that I am sad for, and all I have is this big white text box.
“To dare to live alone is the rarest courage; since there are many who had rather meet their bitterest enemy in the field, than their own hearts in their closet.” ~Charles Caleb Colton, Lacon, 1825
