All these years I’ve been telling myself that the only way to get Andy to step up and fight for me was to show him I was strong enough to move on with someone else. We’re told from the time we’re little girls that the man worthy of our hearts has to fight for us. He’s supposed to slay a dragon, ride his white horse to the castle gates with a dozen roses and a kiss that will awake us from eternal slumber. It turns out that with that logic I was actually sabotaging the very thing I wanted the most… him. He was hurting, and he finally told me. Perhaps it’s a bit sadistic, but a part of me was glad to find out that he was hurt, because it means he cared in the first place; I never knew. I felt in my heart that Andy loved me, but he acted so cool and indifferent. He pretended like he wasn’t bothered by jealousy and so I kept doing it because – who can put their life on hold for someone who’s indifferent?
And now, the irony is that it was my own jealousy that has turned him away from me. It was the green-eyed monster that came out one night after too many cocktails and showed the man I love how completely and utterly insecure I am. And now we should “just be friends” because “it’s not fair to make me wait” for him to “figure things out”. It was “nobody’s fault” it just “is what it is”. And the knife is in my chest and I’m dying a slow death at the hand of too many cliché’s. But not a quick death, no… I bled into the night, having one nightmare after another, waking up crying and distraught and wishing away the pain in my chest.
It was never supposed to be about some grand gesture. It was always just about two people who wanted nothing more than to love and be loved by one another, unconditionally. All I can do now is pray to God that he comes back to me, so that I am not left with this hole in my life where he’s supposed to be. For the first time I actually feel like a piece of me is missing; like I’ve lost my best friend and I’m just not complete without him; and I’m sad, I’m really very sad.
“I don’t know you. The only thing I know about you is, you’re reading this. I don’t know if you’re happy or not; I don’t know whether you’re young or not. I sort of hope you’re young and sad. If you’re old and happy, I can imagine that you’ll smile to yourself when you hear me going, he broke my heart. You’ll remember someone who broke your heart, and you’ll think to yourself, Oh yes, I remember how that feels. But you can’t, you smug old git. Oh you’ll remember feeling sort of pleasantly sad. You might remember listening to music and eating chocolates in your room, or walking along the embankment on your own, wrapped up in a winter coat and feeling lonely and brave. But can you remember how with every mouthful of food it felt like you were biting into your own stomach? Can you remember the taste of red wine as it came back up and into the toilet bowl? Can you remember dreaming every night that you were still together, that he was talking to you gently and touching you, so that every morning when you woke up you had to go through it all over again?”
― Nick Hornby, A Long Way Down
I felt a great sense of accomplishment today as I registered for more university courses. I completed my first course last week and I’ll complete certificate one of two by mid-September. By the end of the year I’ll have both certificates resulting in the formal education I need to position myself for a leadership position at work. Yesterday, I got a phone call from someone at the adoption centre, to verify some information for my criminal record check. I’m hopeful that this means the intake worker is finally reviewing my application, after 9 weeks of waiting. Last month I looked at seven homes for sale, and I took the next step towards closing out my father’s estate. It feels great knowing that my plan is coming together. I tend to be great at the planning phase but not so good at the execution, but these are things I’m passionate about; things I really want.
Today one of my best friends received the key to her new home. This happened shortly after a long awaited career move. In September, my family will welcome the first baby of our generation (born to one of my cousins). My best friend is on her second career and her oldest son just got his learner’s license. A couple of my friends are getting divorced, and a lot more are showing their age on their faces. Seeing these milestones makes me really proud; proud of our accomplishments and proud of our mistakes. I’m proud that we’re doing the things we always dreamed of, and that things are panning out just as we’d always hoped and often felt neglected by. That girl who thought no one would ever love her has found the love of her life. That couple who worked so hard to buy a home finally has. That eighteen year old staring into the eyes of her newborn baby boy has raised him well.
It’s so great to see where we’re ending up, and the direction we’re building our lives.
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined. ~Henry David Thoreau
This post can also be permanently found on the new “Expectations of my Readers” page, which can be found in the top menu of my home page.
Here’s what I expect from you, as a reader of my blog:
Respect: Negative or derogatory comments will not be tolerated. This is a place where mutual respect is expected and anyone not willing to accept that will be blocked from commenting. That said, I love receiving comments from my readers, so please don’t be afraid to respectfully do so. I do my best to respond to all of the comments I’m left.
Understanding: I have been hesitant to share details of my romantic relationship with the blogsphere this time around. In the past I’ve done what most girls do and I’ve vented via my blog or to my friends about parts of my relationship that frustrate me, and it was sometimes received as though I wasn’t happy in my relationship(s). Please understand that what I write here is my story, version of events and feelings, being expressed my way due to past or present experiences. Every relationship has ups and downs, as well as strong and weak points. The main purpose of this blog is for me to work out those weak points and to share and learn so that I may become better at being someone’s significant other, and develop the strongest, healthiest relationship possible.
No Judgement: I do my best to live my life without judging others choices or life paths. I am not perfect at it. This is a difficult task and is something I consciously have to do every day. Trying to remember that we are all only human and a product of our environment, helps me to be compassionate to others and even to relate to them. I may not agree with the decisions of my friends or some of my fellow bloggers, but I respect them and I do my best to accept them as they are. Please make the same effort for me.
Communication: I love receiving comments and emails from my readers. I especially love to hear your stories and experiences, which might be similar to mine. If you’re not comfortable leaving a comment on my blog, please feel free to email me directly at intriguemeblogs (at) gmail (dot) com.