It’s days like this I wish The Italian and I were co-habitating. I’m home sick, I feel terrible… but life does not stop to wait for me to get better. The garbage needs to be taken out, the dogs need walking and the laundry is piled up. I long to have him coming home to me after a long day at work, to kiss my forehead, make me some soup, and tuck me into bed. But, I know that I can not push things forward faster than they are meant to go, and so I’ll wait and see where the road leads us. The only thing for certain is that I have decided what I want, and I accept it.
“One of the greatest gifts you can give someone is the gift of attention.” -Jim Rohn
Later this week I have my first appointment with a new psychologist. The psychologist I had been seeing moved to Vancouver, but the upside is that it gives me an opportunity to explore a different angle. Instead of focusing solely on my anxiety, I intend to focus on grief and relationships for the time being.
Over the last couple of months, as my relationship has grown from that initial dating phase into something more, I’ve realized that I don’t really know how to do this part.
Parts of being with someone come easy to me, but there are other parts where I need some help. I’ve never had a truly healthy relationship, and it’s been a long time since I’ve tried. I’ve never had role models, my parents were divorced when I was a teen and up until that point I think they merely lived together. I never saw or heard them appreciate or admire one another. I saw dad slap moms ass once in a while, but somehow I think The Italian might raise an eyebrow if I tried that. There are things I simply don’t know, and things I don’t know I don’t know.
A great friend of mine recommended the book “The Five love Languages” over the weekend, and I downloaded the condensed audio version. The brief 45 minute overview gave me some things to think about, some different ways to show love and to recognize when it’s being shown to me. I think that in and of itself will provide me with a more secure perspective in my relationship. I’ll still have to navigate the specifics, but this is a good first step.
“Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that many people enter into a relationship in order to get something: they’re trying to find someone who’s going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.” -Anthony Robbins
Growing up I dreamt of the day when I would marry a rich, handsome man who would buy us a big house and father my children. Then, a couple of years ago, something unexpected happened. I found myself head over heels in love with my career, my money, and my freedom. I wanted to be selfish and I started considering a life without children. I thought maybe I could get married, or not get married, buy that house for myself, and live a life of never being tied down or having to clean up after anyone else. My future as I had dreamt it had morphed into something I didn’t recognize. “It’s just part of growing up” is what I told myself, “I’m losing the influence my grandmother had on me as a child and creating my own dreams”.
And now something else unexpected has happened. As I near my 27th birthday, I find myself thinking about all of the experiences I’ve had this year. My family dynamic changing after losing my father, my career being uncertain for the first time, falling in love with Y and experiencing true chivalry for the first time in… ever. And now being with The Italian and seeing how hard he works and how well he treats me. Learning to let him take care of me and actually enjoying it, seeing how it makes him happy to do it.
I find myself wanting for that life I’d dreamt of as a child, again. I want to give up the corporate bullshit and have a family, a really big, messy, happy, loving family. I want to host Christmas dinner and watch the kids play with their cousins like we did as kids. I want to go to soccer games and dance recitals and I want to be there to cook dinner every night and kiss my husband hello when he walks in the door. I want a solid, caring relationship with someone who adores me for my faults. I want to volunteer my time to charity and be an active member in the community.
I want all of that again, and I want it soon. I think I’m ready now.