Do you ever stop to think about all the people you’ve had in your life, people you bared your soul to, maybe even loved, and then lost contact with?
I remember the guy I was dating when the song by Gotye came out. His name was Brad. He turned out to be a drunk and it didn’t last for very long. Despite the short lived romance, we each put a decent amount of time and effort into getting to know one another. And that was just one guy! He was but a fragment of what I’ve put into getting to know new people. And now all they are, are people that I used to know. It really makes me think about how much of our lives we spend focusing our energies on people who at some point will no longer be a part of them. I don’t know that spending time on people is a bad thing; If we didn’t then we’d never have a chance at making new connections, romantic or otherwise… but I can’t help wondering what would happen if we put just half of that energy back into ourselves instead, because when I start adding up all of the people I “used to know”… it’s a really long list.
My mom joked once that I was so spoiled as a child that she was certain I’d grow up to be a “princess”. She said it like she wasn’t quite convinced yet that I hadn’t. Well, I tried not to… for a really long time. I got a good job and a vehicle and I paid my bills and I didn’t shop much or get my hair done; I was über-responsible. I worried a lot about not being a “screw up” because I saw how awful my dad was treated by his own family. And I was miserable. Miserable trying to be someone I wasn’t meant to be. Trying to prove to who exactly I’m not sure that I was perfect. But, as I’ve gotten older its become increasingly difficult to stifle the inner “me”, so I decided to let her loose and I actually quite like myself. It’s liberating. With age comes wisdom and I’ve finally realized that who I am is OKAY! Princess, and everything else. I AM spoiled and majorly stubborn and a little bit needy. I have expensive taste and I want what I want when I want it – no exceptions. I hate to wait. I like presents and to spoil the people I love, too. I like to hear “thank you” because gratitude is great. I take things for granted sometimes. I like when a man calls me “sweetie” and treats me gently. I love kisses on my forehead. I hate wearing makeup and live for the messy-bun, but any opportunity to wear fake eyelashes and I’m in. I despise doing the dishes and I’m strongly considering hiring a maid because dammit I’m a modern woman and I can’t do it all and that’s okay! After all these years I still leave socks all over the house and forget to turn lights off. I like to be challenged. I believe that nothing worth doing is ever easy. I want to live a full life and not an easy life. I have the worlds truest friends so I can’t be that hard to tolerate. I am living proof that you can’t pretend to be someone you’re not. Not everyone who crosses my path will like me and that’s okay, because I finally do!
I shared some information that I shouldn’t have. The person I shared it with then used that information to their advantage, in the process, making it obvious that I had shared the information in the first place.
As I lie here in bed wondering how I could have been so stupid, I realize that it is my faults that are also my biggest assets.
I am too trusting, I always have been; I want to believe the best of people and I can’t fathom how anyone could purposely hurt someone in order to benefit themselves. It’s this quality that gets me burned, time and time again, but it’s also this ability to trust that allows me to open my heart and let people in. It’s also the reason I’m an optimist and how I’ve won some big emotional battles.
I am mothering. I put myself into compromising positions because I believe someone else will benefit from my guidance and experience. Often this makes me vulnerable to being taken advantage of, but the same as being too trusting, this also has its upside. If I did not have that mothering/nurturing nature then I wouldn’t have the patience required to guide, teach or mentor as is my passion for helping people reach their full potential.
If I didn’t have these qualities then I wouldn’t be who I am, so in the end I suppose I’d rather be true to myself than change.