Who I Am is Who I’ve Always Been

My mom joked once that I was so spoiled as a child that she was certain I’d grow up to be a “princess”. She said it like she wasn’t quite convinced yet that I hadn’t. Well, I tried not to… for a really long time. I got a good job and a vehicle and I paid my bills and I didn’t shop much or get my hair done; I was über-responsible. I worried a lot about not being a “screw up” because I saw how awful my dad was treated by his own family. And I was miserable. Miserable trying to be someone I wasn’t meant to be. Trying to prove to who exactly I’m not sure that I was perfect. But, as I’ve gotten older its become increasingly difficult to stifle the inner “me”, so I decided to let her loose and I actually quite like myself. It’s liberating. With age comes wisdom and I’ve finally realized that who I am is OKAY! Princess, and everything else. I AM spoiled and majorly stubborn and a little bit needy. I have expensive taste and I want what I want when I want it – no exceptions. I hate to wait. I like presents and to spoil the people I love, too. I like to hear “thank you” because gratitude is great. I take things for granted sometimes. I like when a man calls me “sweetie” and treats me gently. I love kisses on my forehead. I hate wearing makeup and live for the messy-bun, but any opportunity to wear fake eyelashes and I’m in. I despise doing the dishes and I’m strongly considering hiring a maid because dammit I’m a modern woman and I can’t do it all and that’s okay! After all these years I still leave socks all over the house and forget to turn lights off. I like to be challenged. I believe that nothing worth doing is ever easy. I want to live a full life and not an easy life. I have the worlds truest friends so I can’t be that hard to tolerate. I am living proof that you can’t pretend to be someone you’re not. Not everyone who crosses my path will like me and that’s okay, because I finally do!

Mistake

…that feeling you get when you find out the love of your life has moved on with someone else… the heart stabbing, the panic rising, the blood rushing, the chest tightening, the can’t breathe, can’t move, can’t freak out because someone might notice…
…that.

I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea to reach out after seven months of zero contact. I spent weeks thinking about if I should or not. I thought of every reason not to; I stalled myself the best that I could. But then I did it anyway; because I’ve been having dreams about him. After all this time, he’s come back into my head and my heart and I can’t shake him. I never could.

The stupid thing is that I knew. I knew if he wasn’t reaching out to me it was because he’d found someone else. I know him well enough to know that. So why did I need confirmation? Why on earth did I have to put myself through this torture when the torture of wondering and longing was lesser?

This is… a hit to the self-confidence. I know it shouldn’t be, but it is. This isn’t the first time I’ve been traded in for someone else. Not the first time I’ve loved someone who didn’t love me back. In fact, my exes who married right after me are now in such growing numbers that they could start their own club. Yep, definitely a hit to the self-confidence.

The funny thing is that Andy was the first man I ever felt could “put up” with me. He could banter with me; he could handle my strong opinions, my stubbornness and impatience and all the rest of my downfalls. We were great together. He gave me hope that I could be loved. But now that hope is gone, because I realize that I was never good enough for him. Two and a half years we spent pretending there were “obstacles” or fears of past hurts in the way, but he had no problem moving into a new relationship after me. During me, for all I know. His words were, “same job, same gf, same house”. So I guess this isn’t really anything new. While I’ve been longing for him, I probably haven’t even been a blip in his memory. Yep, definitely a hit to the self-confidence.

I’m not lonely. I’m not even looking for someone to love right now. I’m so focused on the adoption and my house that relationships don’t even cross my mind, except for him, while I sleep. I wish I could make it stop. Maybe it will now. Maybe this will bring peace in time, once the hurt stops and I stop feeling like I just got the wind knocked out of me. In time.

Stupid Day

I did something stupid today.

I shared some information that I shouldn’t have. The person I shared it with then used that information to their advantage, in the process, making it obvious that I had shared the information in the first place.

As I lie here in bed wondering how I could have been so stupid, I realize that it is my faults that are also my biggest assets.

I am too trusting, I always have been; I want to believe the best of people and I can’t fathom how anyone could purposely hurt someone in order to benefit themselves. It’s this quality that gets me burned, time and time again, but it’s also this ability to trust that allows me to open my heart and let people in. It’s also the reason I’m an optimist and how I’ve won some big emotional battles.

I am mothering. I put myself into compromising positions because I believe someone else will benefit from my guidance and experience. Often this makes me vulnerable to being taken advantage of, but the same as being too trusting, this also has its upside. If I did not have that mothering/nurturing nature then I wouldn’t have the patience required to guide, teach or mentor as is my passion for helping people reach their full potential.

If I didn’t have these qualities then I wouldn’t be who I am, so in the end I suppose I’d rather be true to myself than change.