Around a Year Ago

It was around this time last year when I had my meltdown. I hit the depression stage of grief, after losing my father. My relationship with Y came to a heartbreaking and unexpected end, and my work atmosphere had me so stressed out that I could barely face walking into the office each day.

I remember bawling during my entire morning commute one day. I remember sitting in the parking lot trying to catch my breath and stop myself from crying and shaking. I was having a major panic attack.

That day marked the climax of my breakdown, and it was also the day I started to heal. I already knew my mind wouldn’t be focused on my job that day, so I spent my time searching the web for a psychologist, and later that afternoon I saw my family doctor who prescribed me both an antidepressant/anti-anxiety medicine, as well as Ativan (Lorazepam) for the tough days. I also bought a journal and started writing my feelings out. There were a lot of them, they were messy, but it helped.

That day didn’t fix things, but it got the ball rolling. My grief was full bore ahead for quite some time, I couldn’t understand why things ended with Y, and I had to pop an Ativan before I could go to work most days because tension in the office was just that bad. I was being bullied. I ugly cried in front of my boss. Twice. If I wasn’t crying I was on the verge of telling her exactly where to go. It was a horrible few months.

Eventually, the meds started kicking in and I was able to keep it together a little better. It took a couple tries but I eventually found a shrink I clicked with, and we worked through a lot of abandonment issues that I was left with after my parents divorce. For the grande finale, I gave my two weeks notice just after Christmas and was able to decompress for nearly a month before starting my new job. From there, things were on the upswing.

Today, I’m in a healthy office environment. I have a job where
I’m praised, appreciated, challenged and supported. I miss my dad every day, but I’m sad about it far less often. I have moved on romantically, and I’ve made the decision to pursue my life dream of adopting an older sibling group.

My life isn’t perfect yet, and I doubt that’s even possible, but I have come so, so far over this past year. I’m finally living for me, and I’m happy about that.

Just some Mid-September Updates

Some updates in puke-on-the-page style, because I just took NyQuil and am falling asleep…

1) A couple of weeks ago I left The Italian a voicemail saying I was checking in to see how he was feeling (he had a cold). This morning I told him I was staying home because I wasn’t feeling well. He phoned tonight after work to ask how I was feeling and wish me sweet dreams. I was in awe by the sweetness of this because it was thoughtful and because we don’t usually talk on the phone. I’m glad to know I set a precedent of sorts. I’m also reminded of all the sweet things Y did for me… before he cheated on me… and then the scepticism creeps in and I’m just confused. I guess it’ll be a while before that goes away.

2) I’m trying to be open to The Italian as more than a rebound boyfriend. He’s acting as though he legitimately likes me, and I don’t want to miss an opportunity because my head is somewhere else. Besides, he made some crack the other day about me not noticing him even when he was sitting right beside me. Oops. That said, I’m still taking it slow… really, I have no choice. I’m just not in a position to jump right in with my heart.

3) I should have the keys to my new place by the end of this weekend. I’m so excited, I can’t wait to have my own space again. I’ve been decorating it on Pinterest all day.

4) I tried to shave my 100 pound dog today, so she wouldn’t shed so much in my new place. She looks horrid. Poor thing.

5) Therapy is going pretty well. She’s given me some good tips for handling my anxiety. To be honest, it’s just nice to be able to talk to someone who knows how to ask the right questions.

6) The meds are keeping me level and keeping the anxiety at bay as well. If only I could remember to take them every day. I’ve been bad about that this week.

7) Y’s best friends fiancé has been inviting me over for coffee then rescheduling last minute. She’s not very organized, but she desperately wants to be my friend and she hates Y. She told me she wants me to attend their wedding. Yeah… awkward much?

8) Speaking of Y… people keep asking me if he went back to Turkey. Honestly, I don’t know. I think he’s still here, but I’ve done my best to block all thoughts of him out of my mind completely (survival tactic). I really don’t want to talk about him yet. I still just can’t go there. It will probably be years before I can think back on it and not be hurt. I know there’s a lesson in there somewhere, but it will be longer, if ever, before I figure out what it is.

9) I deactivated my Facebook before I went on my vacation to Florida, and aside from a couple of times I logged in quickly to search for an address, photo etc., it’s still deactivated. I don’t really miss it like I thought I would. I needed to disconnect. I’ve been living my life more.

10) I’ve been busy as all hell… and on purpose. I have been making a point of getting out with friends as much as possible, spending time with The Italian once or twice a week, and making efforts to progress my life and just be happy.

11) I had the most amazing vacation. Visiting my family (who I’d mostly never met) was awesome! They were so much fun, and I saw some amazing places (Siesta Key Beach in Sarasota was by far the most gorgeous place I’ve ever seen). To be honest, it was nice to spend a few days with people who didn’t know anything about my recent breakup. No one asked questions, I didn’t have to explain anything, and I just got a break from it! The last half of my trip was phenomenal too! I got to catch up with a friend from high school who I’ve really been missing. We had such a nice time re-connecting and just hanging out. I loved every minute of it!! It was so nice to see the life she’s built for herself and to get to be a part of it for a few days. My vacation was exactly the break I’d been hoping for.

12) Two weeks from today I board a plane for Chicago, where I get to meet some of my best friends for the first time. Me and four of my best blogger girlfriends in the same room… finally. It seems surreal. We have a lot of fun stuff planned for the weekend, but honestly I would be happy to sit on the floor beside them, painting our toenails and having girl chat all weekend. I can’t wait. And no, I’m not nervous in the least. What’s there to be nervous about? They’re my best friends. :)

13) I’ve passed the point of no return with the NyQuil.