Tag Archives: happiness

God Forbid I Change My Relationship Status

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I have this relationship that’s going really well, and I’m really happy, but I’m afraid to say it out loud. Admitting to the greater public that I even have a boyfriend would mean that I was getting my hopes up, and that leaves me really vulnerable if things crumble.

When I started this post I intended to say that I didn’t want to talk about my relationship out loud for fear I would jinx it… but as I started to write, I managed to articulate my feelings and what do you know, there it is. My true fear: vulnerability.

Fear of being vulnerable seems to be a theme for me. I’ve written about it before, I’m sure I have. It feels like dejavu.

Back to the point at hand- It’s not getting hurt that I am afraid of, it’s the public eye. My entire life I’ve been the “glue that holds everyone together” or the “strong one” etc. etc… and so to say to my family “hey, I have a boyfriend” and then “hey, I got dumped!” is a horrible thought for me. Letting my family know that I’m not perfect, that I don’t always have it all together, and mostly- that I can feel and love and hurt- makes me cringe. I don’t want all of those eyes on me, I don’t want the pity or the sympathy if we break up. And for that matter, I don’t want the attention or the pressure as our relationship grows.

As it is, I’ve had a really hard time telling people about The Italian. You wouldn’t expect me to be so quiet- being a blogger and all- but my family is very much excluded from the majority of my personal life. I’ve tried to make a point of opening up over time. I slowly and quietly let the cat out of the bag shortly before the holidays, a casual mention here or there- a hinting Facebook post for my mom to see during her regular cyber stalking of my profile. Even though I’ve told my mom that she won’t meet him anytime soon, she’s been nagging me about it since Christmas. I think she feels hurt that I exclude her.

The more I tell my family about The Italian, the more they want to know. I give an inch, they take a mile! I know that I’m not ready to bring him home to meet my family, and I can’t imagine the horror on his face if I asked him to. Though, truth be told- I’m probably exaggerating. He would probably handle it far better than I give him credit for. I’m just not ready yet. We need to pass the “I love you’s” first, then maybe I’ll be confident enough in our relationship to bring him home and face my demons.

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On that note… I do think I’m beginning to fall “in love”. He drives me absolutely insane sometimes, but I can be mad at him or tell him he fucked up and he doesn’t run away. He listens, he improves, he makes efforts and compromises. He puts up with my PMS rants and emotions- and shrugs it off with a “I just figured you were having one of ‘those moments’”. We’ve developed this mutual respect and adoration for one another that feels so much more healthy and strong than any relationship I’ve ever been in. We’re not perfect, there’s definitely some obstacles we’ll have to navigate in the future, but one by one we’ll get there. In the meantime, I’m happy, and I’m busy appreciating what I’ve got.

Sometimes When I Look at Him… I’m Surprised at Who I See

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I never expected for anything meaningful to develop between The Italian and me. He was supposed to be my temporary post-breakup distraction… a little healthy rebound. But, he’s become so much more than that, and after a few bumps and hurdles and some compromising, I think we’ve landed in a really good spot… a place where I’m truly happy in a relationship, for the first time in a long time.

It’s no secret that when we dated a few years ago, I considered him to be the typical “suave Italian douchebag”, but the truth is that we never really got to know each other… and of course, we’ve both done a lot of growing up these past few years. I find that the more I’ve gotten to know him over the past five months, the more surprised I am at how much I really like him, and the more I can see a future with him. For example, tonight we had to drop his car off with the mechanic so they can look at it tomorrow morning. We did the typical thing, drove separately to the shop, left his car, and drove home together… and on the way home, as he’s driving my Jeep and I’ve got my hand on his thigh and we’re just catching up with each other, it felt so… domestic, and natural… and there was a point when he said something funny and I looked at him and had this moment where I could see us in that exact same way thirty years from now.

It surprises me that I’m thinking this way about him, but I am, and it feels different than other relationships I’ve had. It wasn’t love at first text like with Andy, or the intensely overwhelming love that I had for Y. Instead, it’s been this slow and steady build, and I’ll be the first to admit that I was skeptical in the beginning- thinking there was only one layer to him and if I didn’t know he was “the one” right away then he couldn’t be but, now that I’m seeing who he really is, how he treats me, how much he cares about me, how he thinks… I feel differently. I see so much more in him than I used to. I don’t even mind his crazy work schedule most of the time anymore, because we’ve come to a level of understanding about it.

I’m really, genuinely, happy with him.

A few random facts about The Italian:

1) While he was born in Italy, he is not actually Italian by blood. His parents are Hungarian and Romanian and he went to school in all three countries. Therefore, he speaks four languages: Italian, Hungarian, Romanian, and English.

2) This also explains why he is not as dark or as hairy as most people from southern Italy.

3) For several weeks I meant to ask him what his eldest brother’s name is. I figured this is something I should know since they are so close and he speaks of him all the time. I was prepared to make notes in my phone so I could remember the pronunciation and spelling. As it turns out, his brother’s name is… George.

4) His sister-in-law’s name is Flower. BAHAHAHA. (He looked at me quizzically when I said “really? Is it really? Like F.L.O.W.E.R? Like a rose kind of flower?”).

5) He says his niece is ugly like one of those kids in the horror movies. After lecturing him on how cruel it was to think that way, I became worried for our potential future spawn.

6) Years ago, I used to hate the way The Italian snuggled. He always wanted to be so close he would literally snuggle me right off the side of the bed. He’s since backed-off a bit and is officially the best snuggler ever.

7) He happens to be the one who shared in my most embarrassing moment- when I broke my bed. When we dated the first time, I had this cheap Ikea bed… you know, the one with the slats instead of a box spring? Well the slats on one side weren’t measured properly. They were slightly short and would slip off of the frame of the bed. When this would happen, I would have to carefully roll out of bed, lift the mattress, and slide them back on. Well, one night The Italian was snuggling me waaayyy over to the edge of the bed- as he liked to do- and the slats fell off. I didn’t want to wake him so I half-slept uncomfortably the rest of the night. In the morning, he rolled out the other side of the bed and I tried to roll out my side, but we’d been pretty much sleeping on the pressboard frame all night, and it snapped under my weight. I nearly died of embarrassment. I do not ever intend to remind him of this story.

8) He still wears those designer tighty-whitey’s. I used to think he was the only man of my generation to wear briefs. As it turns out, they’re making a comeback. Who knew?

9) He’s funny, and not just in a sarcastic way! He actually has a really great sense of humour that I don’t recall witnessing before. Every time he really makes me laugh, I feel such gratitude for it.

Liberation

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Last week, I quit my job. It was a scary move, but a necessary one. That place had been making me miserable for far too long, and I am determined to be happy again, and I knew this was a critical step. I thought that I would feel good as soon as I delivered my notice, but it took until today for it to really sink in. I am free. I can begin to decompress now.

In my last few days at the office (they paid me out and let me leave early) I received copious amounts of validation that I’d made the right choice, and that as a colleague, I was valued. At least four or five people from around the office, whom I don’t usually exchange more than pleasantries with, approached me to say that they could see that I haven’t been treated very well, that I was being excluded from my team, and that they supported me in my decision to leave. Several more people told me how much they were going to miss me. A couple of them even cried. Some of them hugged me. These are people I’ve worked with for four and a half years; they have been my weekday family, and I’m going to miss (most of) them.

I have a new job lined up, though I’m still finalizing the paperwork so I’ve been quiet about it. Somebody’s always out of the office so it’s taking longer than I’d like- you know how it goes. In this new position, I’ll be going back to work I did about five years ago. Although it might seem like I’m moving backwards, I’m really not. This was the field I’d always wanted to advance myself in, I only ended up taking a detour due to my company’s progression plan and some departmental reorganizations that had happened over the last few years.

Now I am going to get back to doing work that I enjoy. I get to work in a joint venture capacity that allows me to pull together different aspects of the business instead of seeing how much paper I can push during any given day. This job is far less focused on the ability to follow rules & regulations and more so on analytical abilities. I am looking forward to playing to my strengths again. I will have some challenges, but I look at them as growth opportunities. Building on my strengths and accepting my weaknesses.

In addition to a new start on happiness, this job also brings me a significant enough salary increase. Who’s complaining? That extra money will go a long way towards paying off some debt and helping to maintain my higher cost of living in my new townhouse.

Making this jump in my career knocks two goals off of my 2013 list, and aids in accomplishing several more. Now, I can spend the next couple weeks of unemployment relaxing, decompressing, and getting ready for a new phase of my life.