I have this relationship that’s going really well, and I’m really happy, but I’m afraid to say it out loud. Admitting to the greater public that I even have a boyfriend would mean that I was getting my hopes up, and that leaves me really vulnerable if things crumble.
When I started this post I intended to say that I didn’t want to talk about my relationship out loud for fear I would jinx it… but as I started to write, I managed to articulate my feelings and what do you know, there it is. My true fear: vulnerability.
Fear of being vulnerable seems to be a theme for me. I’ve written about it before, I’m sure I have. It feels like dejavu.
Back to the point at hand- It’s not getting hurt that I am afraid of, it’s the public eye. My entire life I’ve been the “glue that holds everyone together” or the “strong one” etc. etc… and so to say to my family “hey, I have a boyfriend” and then “hey, I got dumped!” is a horrible thought for me. Letting my family know that I’m not perfect, that I don’t always have it all together, and mostly- that I can feel and love and hurt- makes me cringe. I don’t want all of those eyes on me, I don’t want the pity or the sympathy if we break up. And for that matter, I don’t want the attention or the pressure as our relationship grows.
As it is, I’ve had a really hard time telling people about The Italian. You wouldn’t expect me to be so quiet- being a blogger and all- but my family is very much excluded from the majority of my personal life. I’ve tried to make a point of opening up over time. I slowly and quietly let the cat out of the bag shortly before the holidays, a casual mention here or there- a hinting Facebook post for my mom to see during her regular cyber stalking of my profile. Even though I’ve told my mom that she won’t meet him anytime soon, she’s been nagging me about it since Christmas. I think she feels hurt that I exclude her.
The more I tell my family about The Italian, the more they want to know. I give an inch, they take a mile! I know that I’m not ready to bring him home to meet my family, and I can’t imagine the horror on his face if I asked him to. Though, truth be told- I’m probably exaggerating. He would probably handle it far better than I give him credit for. I’m just not ready yet. We need to pass the “I love you’s” first, then maybe I’ll be confident enough in our relationship to bring him home and face my demons.
On that note… I do think I’m beginning to fall “in love”. He drives me absolutely insane sometimes, but I can be mad at him or tell him he fucked up and he doesn’t run away. He listens, he improves, he makes efforts and compromises. He puts up with my PMS rants and emotions- and shrugs it off with a “I just figured you were having one of ‘those moments’”. We’ve developed this mutual respect and adoration for one another that feels so much more healthy and strong than any relationship I’ve ever been in. We’re not perfect, there’s definitely some obstacles we’ll have to navigate in the future, but one by one we’ll get there. In the meantime, I’m happy, and I’m busy appreciating what I’ve got.