I Am The Only Constant In My Life

“You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself. The single relationship that is truly central and crucial in a life is the relationship to the self. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never lose.” -Jo Coudert

A comment on my last post led me to a new blog last night. Falling Not Flying’s latest post: Somebody I Used To Know, inspired me to do a little digging into my own past- simply for curiosity sake. FNF: Thanks for the inspiration and I look forward to reading more!

Okay so here goes, these are the “Somebody’s That I Used To Know” (ie: ex boyfriends) and what they’re up to now, hopefully in chronological order:

Ray: The most significant grade school crush. He moved away in the 8th grade to the city I live in now. I’ve only seen him once, summer after 10th, I was working at Calaway Park making cotton candy and I saw him with a bunch of friends. I hid. Who knows what happened to him, I tried to Facebook him but came up empty-handed. It would be neat to see who he’s become, and if he could still make me laugh like he did in Junior High.

Curtis: Ahh, my “first love”. Not much has changed for him really. He was older than me and ready for more than what I was. Now that I’m ready he’s too bitter (I broke his heart). We still chit chat on occasion and are Facebook friends. He’s had several relationships since me and seems to come out more bitter every time. A great guy though, this is the typical “nice guys finish last” situation. He is doing great career wise though, he has a house and a car and he just built his parents a log home back in Newfound Land and he left his second vehicle there for them too. This is definitely “the one that got away” for me. I often wonder what life would be like with him as the people we are now. I wonder if that love would still be there?

“He is not a lover who does not love forever.” -Euripides

Ben: We didn’t really “date” more than a couple times but for some reason this guy stands out in my mind. He was older- a LOT older- I won’t even tell you how much because you will think I’m sick and twisted. We met in college, he was changing trades and I was taking a stupid course that eventually rendered useless. He moved back to Whitehorse and asked me to send him letters. No, not emails. Letters. That’s right- he did not compute. I sent him one letter and he responded then left me a voicemail asking me not to mail anything to that address, he would be in touch with a new address. A mutual friend hinted that the “lady” he lived with was pissed off about it- who this “lady” was I guess I’ll never really know. He got in touch a couple years later when he came back to town. We met for a drink and he hit on my friend. Our mutual friend told me a couple years ago that he got married to a sweet little Italian girl. Somehow I can’t picture it, I always envisioned him as a bachelor for life.

Kyle: The one I never understood. This dude had some issues, but he would never let me in enough to figure out what they were. In the end we were just too different, we saw the world from opposite angles and our lives just didn’t mesh well. Something about him always drew me in though- we continued sleeping together every year or so until last January when I had a pregnancy scare and told him I was never sleeping with him again. I haven’t had sex since. Bloody hell what was I thinking?! Anyways he’s a serial monogamist so he’s always in one bad relationship after the next. He thinks he’s a Monk and he’s got the world all figured out- everything has some deeper meaning and blah blah drive me mental. Not much has changed for him, except that he finally moved out of Mommy’s place and got himself an apartment. He’s always bragging about how much money he makes. Superficial. I stopped talking to him in April- he frustrated me too much and I realized it wasn’t worth keeping him in my life.

Rob: We were great friends but there wasn’t ever really any romantic spark. We had a lot of fun together and I guess had I realized this with a more open mind we probably could have remained friends. We dated 6 months and shortly after we broke up, he started dating someone else. Looking back I think he had probably started dating her before we broke up- he had never taken our relationship very seriously. He moved back to the east coast with her last year and proposed last Christmas. I’m not sure if they’re married or not yet, I deleted him from my Facebook when I did the big “clean sweep” a few months ago. I will always remember Rob as the man I had really amazing drunk tent sex with. I’m sure my friends have all tried to forget. :D

“Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love. Love risks degenerating into obsession, friendship is never anything but sharing.” -Elie Wiesel

Daryl: This is the “significant” ex, we were engaged. We dated for a couple years and we lived together for the majority of that but due to a combination of his bi-polar disorder and the fact we probably never would have been 100% right for each other, it finally ended. It was messy- to say the least. We may as well have been married because splitting up was like getting a divorce since our lives were so joint. He  emailed me for months, one day apologizing for being such a jerk and the next day cussing me out saying everything was my fault. Probably because I wasn’t exactly easy on him. By the time we broke up I’d developed a zero tolerance policy. Once I had all the financial stuff sorted out between us I asked him to stop contacting me and I blocked him on all of my accounts. I’m fed updates on him sometimes by mutual friends and every so often I get curious and glance at his Facebook. He’s doing the same thing to some other poor girl now, and she has a baby whom he seems to have taken on as his own (how anyone would let him near a kid I’ll never know). I saw a POF forum he wrote once saying he didn’t love her but didn’t want to leave her because he’d grown so attached to the kid. When I read this I wrote the post “The Definition Of Insanity“. He’s started his 100th business out of the back of some rusty old beater truck, and is living with his girlfriend (who is probably supporting him like I did). All that said, when he’s got his head on straight he can be a great guy, and sometimes I miss the person he could be- but the reality is that person shows up very sporadically. Though it seems that he hasn’t changed much, I am certainly worlds away from the person I was when we were together, definitely “somebody he used to know”. Aside from my new found self, another good thing that came out of this relationship was a friend. My good pal and frequent commenter Christy is his cousin- and somehow in ending this relationship I became better friends with her. Thanks CH, you rock ;).

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” -Anais Nin

Well that’s it. That’s the “big” ones. There were a few somebody’s in between and since the last I’ve dated a lot  (as you have read about) but I think they’re too recent to be people I used to know. Looking at all of these guys I used to date, I realize that none of them have really seemed to change all that much as PEOPLE. I think I’m the one that did all the changing, I’m the someone they used to know. Our day-to-day lives have certainly changed though. It’s strange to think that each one of these guys used to be a huge part of my life, and now they aren’t a part at all. That’s a good reason to remember to put myself first, I am the only constant in my life.

“I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken — and I’d rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.” -Margaret Mitchell