A Melancholy Weekend Part II

I should take this opportunity to mention that we have been dancing around the topic of making our relationship more permanent. I haven’t blogged about this because I don’t want to provide an opening for anyone to think of him as an opportunist. I also don’t want to put a lot of pressure on the natural development of our relationship. The reality of the situation is that he’s not a permanent resident and his sponsorship fell through, meaning he’ll need to go back to Turkey at the end of August when his Visa expires… unless of course, he finds another sponsor, or we get married. At first I thought this would be no big deal, that he could go back to Turkey and apply for a new Visa, and be back here in a few months. But, that’s not the case since Turkey has a mandatory military service which he would have to complete upon returning. We would be looking at two years before he could make it back, and have you been reading my blog posts about this guy? Wouldn’t I be crazy to let someone this amazing walk out of my life like that? I think so, and so the idea of marriage has been in the back of my mind lately.

In an effort to take things as slow as possible between now and August, there’s been a lot of talking around marriage. I want to make sure that I’m confident in my decision if it comes down to that.  I’m analyzing every little piece of our relationship. I’m asking a lot of questions to make sure we’re fundamentally compatible and that we want the same things out of life. I’m making sure we both have the ability to compromise, and that my friends all get a good feeling from him. I want to know that both of our needs are acknowledged and met.

So, if it seems like what I’m writing about is jumping around right now, or that I’m really picking things apart… I am, and now you know why.

***

The end of our last conversation about his friends lead into another…

Near the end of the day yesterday we were becoming increasingly bored with the overcast weather and we contemplated heading back to his place, but we knew we wouldn’t be alone since his best friend, best friends fiancé, and his friend Can were there.

I hadn’t seen my new man since last weekend, and I desperately wanted to have a fun day just the two of us. I wanted to show him that it’s just as fun to hang out with me as it is to be with his friends… that was a major fail. I’m really bad at finding things to do when the weather is poor. I think I need to work on my “fun factor”.

Anyway… we wanted some privacy. We haven’t had sex in a week, and we wouldn’t have another opportunity for at least a week, possibly two.

I was saying that I really wished I wasn’t living with my mom right now so that we had someplace to be “intimate” and just alone. He took that opportunity to inform me that GF had “heard us” a couple of weeks ago when we thought they were sleeping. Oops. That definitely ruled out attempting to go back to his place.

But… what I didn’t really expect was when he said “I think we should get our own place”.

Somewhere earlier in the conversation it was mentioned that the boys would have to alter their living arrangements once BFF & GF are married… and of course, I know the idea of us getting married has been on both of our minds, but I was still really surprised when he brought up the idea of us living together. I guess that was probably his way of gauging my reaction, testing the waters for a bigger conversation.

What was more telling to me though, is that I didn’t even flinch. I just said “okay”. I didn’t get nervous, my heart didn’t skip, my stomach didn’t tense up. I was calm, I was collected, and I was completely at ease with the idea of sharing a life with him.

A Melancholy Weekend, Part I

I apologize in advance if this post is a bit jumbled or tends to ramble on…

***

Ninety percent of the time, language and culture is not a barrier between my boyfriend and I, but every so often one of us will say something that the other doesn’t understand, and it warrants a few extra questions to bring clarity.

We’re both alright with having to ask those extra questions to make sure we’re on the same page, so this system seems to work well for us most of the time.

This weekend was not really one of those times. For some reason I felt like communication just wasn’t coming easily.

It started on Saturday with us miscommunication about our plans for the evening. I thought he’d said the night before that he wanted to see me but it turned out to be “guys night”. I thought he wasn’t comfortable telling me that he wanted to hang out with the guys, or that perhaps I’d misunderstood our conversation, but as it turns out (I think- I’m still sort of unclear on how things played out) plans were changing on his end as his friends were calling while he was texting me. I ended up getting annoyed and telling him I was staying home and he went out with his friends.

Sidenote: This is still a bit of an issue for me as I felt like he blew me off for his friends. He’s going through some “man stuff” right now as his best friend just got engaged to a girl who never let’s him out of the house alone, so I’m going to be lenient here, just for a few weeks. We did discuss the situation with his friend yesterday, but I think it warrants some more conversation in a couple of weeks once things have settled down.

***

Yesterday can best be described as rather melancholy. We talked a lot as we drove out to spend Canada Day at the lake but we weren’t there long as it started raining. We ended up spending the rest of the day parked at a city look-out point, waiting for the Canada Day fireworks (which were totally lame for the record). To sum it up: we spent a lot of time in the car talking when we both wanted to be out enjoying the non-existent sunshine. I think we were both a bit disappointed by how the day turned out.

In the morning was when we had the conversation about his best friends situation, and our miscommunication the night before. For the purpose of this post I’m going to refer to his best friend as BFF and his best friends girlfriend fiancé as GF. Is that easy enough for you? lol You see, my boyfriend moved to Canada just a few months ago, shortly before we met. He came here to see his best friend who has been living here for the past six or so years. He came with high expectations of getting to spend quality time visiting and exploring the country with “his brother”. But, when he got here he discovered that BFF’s girlfriend happens to be rather… suffocating. Don’t get me wrong, I adore her. She’s very sweet, she’s just obviously a bit insecure for whatever reason and she has a hard time letting BFF out with his friends, unnattended. This has left my new man feeling rather annoyed and disappointed. I don’t think he realized his friend was in such a serious relationship, and now that they’re recently engaged he’s terrified he’ll not be allowed to see his friend anymore at all.

It’s a tough situation because I can see it from different angles. GF wants to spend time with BFF and be a part of his every day life. That’s part of committment. She also doesn’t want her fiancé getting into trouble hanging out with the single guys, and they come from a culture that is much more strict about the interactions of the sexes. I suspect there’s one friend in particular that makes her nervous, and I understand that because he is very demanding of my new man’s time as well. He’s single and he loves to party, and he has cancer so the guys sympathize with him and allow him to perhaps take up a bit more of their time than they should. Last weekend new man and I got home from meeting my friends, and he told me he’d just finished “banging” some girl who got into his cab.

My new man isn’t one to high five his friend for getting laid, he’s far more respectful of women than that, but he also doesn’t understand why GF is upset when they all hang out because it is their friend who is single, not them. He told me that they go out in a group of guys and if a girl comes to the table to talk to one of them that he will always make sure she goes away. They will not let each other get into trouble or be in compromising situations (he’s far more “hard core” about this than most North American men would be, because in Turkish culture men and women who are not married typically are not supposed to be alone together or talking without their significant others near by.).

I completely trust the new man when he’s out with his friends. I also definitely understand GF’s insecurities about it. I think overall this is a group of guys who are in that transition phase where they’re longing for commitment and families of their own, but they’re also clinging for dear life to their independence.

MY problem with the situation is this: My new man is really freaked out by how clingy GF is. He understands that it’s just her and that I’m all for him having his space (I brought it up yesterday to make sure), but I still think that it impacts how he acts with me sometimes. I feel like I have to walk on egg shells so I don’t do anything that even slightly resembles her actions. Second, this one single friend (we’ll call him Can) is legitimately taking up too much of his free time. He stops by late on weeknights when new man is finished work and keeps him up late (new man will not go to bed if he has company over and he will not ask them to leave). On the weekends Can is constantly calling wanting to make plans… I’m cool with this to a point. If new man tells me he has plans already with his friends or that he wants to spend the day/evening/whatever with his friends… cool. But, if we’re hanging out and it’s the only time I’ve seen him all week then I don’t want to share him with his friends. A couple of weeks ago we were together on a Sunday and Can called to ask if we would meet him and some friends at the lake to kick a soccer ball around. On that particular weekend I didn’t mind because we’d spent lots of time together both alone and with friends… but if that had happened yesterday when I hadn’t seen him in a week, I’d have been miserable. I need to make sure that I’m speaking up and saying “honey, I don’t want to see your friends today”, and I’m sure he would receive that well, but I worry that it will make me look like GF. Yesterday when we were bored we thought about going back to his place, but we knew that Can, BFF, and GF were all there. I told him I wanted alone time with him and he was fine with that… so perhaps I am worried for nothing.

 

Stories of the Ex: Night Flight

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Things went on in this awkward phase for several weeks before they levelled out again. Calls and emails had started tapering off and I dropped the subject completely. I was so drained from being excited and then let down that … Continue reading