Stupid Day

I did something stupid today.

I shared some information that I shouldn’t have. The person I shared it with then used that information to their advantage, in the process, making it obvious that I had shared the information in the first place.

As I lie here in bed wondering how I could have been so stupid, I realize that it is my faults that are also my biggest assets.

I am too trusting, I always have been; I want to believe the best of people and I can’t fathom how anyone could purposely hurt someone in order to benefit themselves. It’s this quality that gets me burned, time and time again, but it’s also this ability to trust that allows me to open my heart and let people in. It’s also the reason I’m an optimist and how I’ve won some big emotional battles.

I am mothering. I put myself into compromising positions because I believe someone else will benefit from my guidance and experience. Often this makes me vulnerable to being taken advantage of, but the same as being too trusting, this also has its upside. If I did not have that mothering/nurturing nature then I wouldn’t have the patience required to guide, teach or mentor as is my passion for helping people reach their full potential.

If I didn’t have these qualities then I wouldn’t be who I am, so in the end I suppose I’d rather be true to myself than change.

“War does not determine who is right – only who is left.” -Bertrand Russell

http://www.cnn.com/2012/07/16/middleeast/gallery/syria-unrest/index.html?iid=article_sidebar

In the spring of 2011 a plane touched down on North American soil, bringing with it a man I would soon come to discover was unlike any I’d ever met before. He was a man with a beautiful soul, a … Continue reading

Just some Mid-September Updates

Some updates in puke-on-the-page style, because I just took NyQuil and am falling asleep…

1) A couple of weeks ago I left The Italian a voicemail saying I was checking in to see how he was feeling (he had a cold). This morning I told him I was staying home because I wasn’t feeling well. He phoned tonight after work to ask how I was feeling and wish me sweet dreams. I was in awe by the sweetness of this because it was thoughtful and because we don’t usually talk on the phone. I’m glad to know I set a precedent of sorts. I’m also reminded of all the sweet things Y did for me… before he cheated on me… and then the scepticism creeps in and I’m just confused. I guess it’ll be a while before that goes away.

2) I’m trying to be open to The Italian as more than a rebound boyfriend. He’s acting as though he legitimately likes me, and I don’t want to miss an opportunity because my head is somewhere else. Besides, he made some crack the other day about me not noticing him even when he was sitting right beside me. Oops. That said, I’m still taking it slow… really, I have no choice. I’m just not in a position to jump right in with my heart.

3) I should have the keys to my new place by the end of this weekend. I’m so excited, I can’t wait to have my own space again. I’ve been decorating it on Pinterest all day.

4) I tried to shave my 100 pound dog today, so she wouldn’t shed so much in my new place. She looks horrid. Poor thing.

5) Therapy is going pretty well. She’s given me some good tips for handling my anxiety. To be honest, it’s just nice to be able to talk to someone who knows how to ask the right questions.

6) The meds are keeping me level and keeping the anxiety at bay as well. If only I could remember to take them every day. I’ve been bad about that this week.

7) Y’s best friends fiancé has been inviting me over for coffee then rescheduling last minute. She’s not very organized, but she desperately wants to be my friend and she hates Y. She told me she wants me to attend their wedding. Yeah… awkward much?

8) Speaking of Y… people keep asking me if he went back to Turkey. Honestly, I don’t know. I think he’s still here, but I’ve done my best to block all thoughts of him out of my mind completely (survival tactic). I really don’t want to talk about him yet. I still just can’t go there. It will probably be years before I can think back on it and not be hurt. I know there’s a lesson in there somewhere, but it will be longer, if ever, before I figure out what it is.

9) I deactivated my Facebook before I went on my vacation to Florida, and aside from a couple of times I logged in quickly to search for an address, photo etc., it’s still deactivated. I don’t really miss it like I thought I would. I needed to disconnect. I’ve been living my life more.

10) I’ve been busy as all hell… and on purpose. I have been making a point of getting out with friends as much as possible, spending time with The Italian once or twice a week, and making efforts to progress my life and just be happy.

11) I had the most amazing vacation. Visiting my family (who I’d mostly never met) was awesome! They were so much fun, and I saw some amazing places (Siesta Key Beach in Sarasota was by far the most gorgeous place I’ve ever seen). To be honest, it was nice to spend a few days with people who didn’t know anything about my recent breakup. No one asked questions, I didn’t have to explain anything, and I just got a break from it! The last half of my trip was phenomenal too! I got to catch up with a friend from high school who I’ve really been missing. We had such a nice time re-connecting and just hanging out. I loved every minute of it!! It was so nice to see the life she’s built for herself and to get to be a part of it for a few days. My vacation was exactly the break I’d been hoping for.

12) Two weeks from today I board a plane for Chicago, where I get to meet some of my best friends for the first time. Me and four of my best blogger girlfriends in the same room… finally. It seems surreal. We have a lot of fun stuff planned for the weekend, but honestly I would be happy to sit on the floor beside them, painting our toenails and having girl chat all weekend. I can’t wait. And no, I’m not nervous in the least. What’s there to be nervous about? They’re my best friends. :)

13) I’ve passed the point of no return with the NyQuil.