Tag Archives: depression

Here’s What I Expect From You

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This post can also be permanently found on the new “Expectations of my Readers” page, which can be found in the top menu of my home page.

Here’s what I expect from you, as a reader of my blog:

Respect: Negative or derogatory comments will not be tolerated. This is a place where mutual respect is expected and anyone not willing to accept that will be blocked from commenting. That said, I love receiving comments from my readers, so please don’t be afraid to respectfully do so. I do my best to respond to all of the comments I’m left.

Understanding: I have been hesitant to share details of my romantic relationship with the blogsphere this time around. In the past I’ve done what most girls do and I’ve vented via my blog or to my friends about parts of my relationship that frustrate me, and it was sometimes received as though I wasn’t happy in my relationship(s). Please understand that what I write here is my story, version of events and feelings, being expressed my way due to past or present experiences. Every relationship has ups and downs, as well as strong and weak points. The main purpose of this blog is for me to work out those weak points and to share and learn so that I may become better at being someone’s significant other, and develop the strongest, healthiest relationship possible.

No Judgement: I do my best to live my life without judging others choices or life paths. I am not perfect at it. This is a difficult task and is something I consciously have to do every day. Trying to remember that we are all only human and a product of our environment, helps me to be compassionate to others and even to relate to them. I may not agree with the decisions of my friends or some of my fellow bloggers, but I respect them and I do my best to accept them as they are. Please make the same effort for me.

Communication: I love receiving comments and emails from my readers. I especially love to hear your stories and experiences, which might be similar to mine. If you’re not comfortable leaving a comment on my blog, please feel free to email me  directly at intriguemeblogs (at) gmail (dot) com.

God Forbid I Change My Relationship Status

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I have this relationship that’s going really well, and I’m really happy, but I’m afraid to say it out loud. Admitting to the greater public that I even have a boyfriend would mean that I was getting my hopes up, and that leaves me really vulnerable if things crumble.

When I started this post I intended to say that I didn’t want to talk about my relationship out loud for fear I would jinx it… but as I started to write, I managed to articulate my feelings and what do you know, there it is. My true fear: vulnerability.

Fear of being vulnerable seems to be a theme for me. I’ve written about it before, I’m sure I have. It feels like dejavu.

Back to the point at hand- It’s not getting hurt that I am afraid of, it’s the public eye. My entire life I’ve been the “glue that holds everyone together” or the “strong one” etc. etc… and so to say to my family “hey, I have a boyfriend” and then “hey, I got dumped!” is a horrible thought for me. Letting my family know that I’m not perfect, that I don’t always have it all together, and mostly- that I can feel and love and hurt- makes me cringe. I don’t want all of those eyes on me, I don’t want the pity or the sympathy if we break up. And for that matter, I don’t want the attention or the pressure as our relationship grows.

As it is, I’ve had a really hard time telling people about The Italian. You wouldn’t expect me to be so quiet- being a blogger and all- but my family is very much excluded from the majority of my personal life. I’ve tried to make a point of opening up over time. I slowly and quietly let the cat out of the bag shortly before the holidays, a casual mention here or there- a hinting Facebook post for my mom to see during her regular cyber stalking of my profile. Even though I’ve told my mom that she won’t meet him anytime soon, she’s been nagging me about it since Christmas. I think she feels hurt that I exclude her.

The more I tell my family about The Italian, the more they want to know. I give an inch, they take a mile! I know that I’m not ready to bring him home to meet my family, and I can’t imagine the horror on his face if I asked him to. Though, truth be told- I’m probably exaggerating. He would probably handle it far better than I give him credit for. I’m just not ready yet. We need to pass the “I love you’s” first, then maybe I’ll be confident enough in our relationship to bring him home and face my demons.

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On that note… I do think I’m beginning to fall “in love”. He drives me absolutely insane sometimes, but I can be mad at him or tell him he fucked up and he doesn’t run away. He listens, he improves, he makes efforts and compromises. He puts up with my PMS rants and emotions- and shrugs it off with a “I just figured you were having one of ‘those moments’”. We’ve developed this mutual respect and adoration for one another that feels so much more healthy and strong than any relationship I’ve ever been in. We’re not perfect, there’s definitely some obstacles we’ll have to navigate in the future, but one by one we’ll get there. In the meantime, I’m happy, and I’m busy appreciating what I’ve got.

Insomnia

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I can’t sleep. This is my second night with insomnia. My brain is zipping around with all these thoughts, things stressing me out and things I need to do.

I started my new job today. It went well despite running on four hours of sleep. I hope my brain works tomorrow, after what promises to be another night of the same.

The people I had renting my dads place didn’t pay rent last month. They ignored my attempts to reach them, and I was planning on drafting an eviction notice when I got a call from the realtor saying the neighbor hasn’t seen anyone living there in ten days. Apparently the couple I rented it to had another couple move in also, and in addition to their dogs, which I approved, they also had several cats, which I sure as hell did not approve. The nosy neighbor peered in through the widows and the place is apparently filled with garbage and “in bad shape”. What exactly that means I’ll find out tomorrow when my grandfather checks it out for me. I just hope they didn’t damage anything… considering I just spent all of my savings on renovations a few months ago.

Alright, rant over. I’m trying sleep again.