Stupid Day

I did something stupid today.

I shared some information that I shouldn’t have. The person I shared it with then used that information to their advantage, in the process, making it obvious that I had shared the information in the first place.

As I lie here in bed wondering how I could have been so stupid, I realize that it is my faults that are also my biggest assets.

I am too trusting, I always have been; I want to believe the best of people and I can’t fathom how anyone could purposely hurt someone in order to benefit themselves. It’s this quality that gets me burned, time and time again, but it’s also this ability to trust that allows me to open my heart and let people in. It’s also the reason I’m an optimist and how I’ve won some big emotional battles.

I am mothering. I put myself into compromising positions because I believe someone else will benefit from my guidance and experience. Often this makes me vulnerable to being taken advantage of, but the same as being too trusting, this also has its upside. If I did not have that mothering/nurturing nature then I wouldn’t have the patience required to guide, teach or mentor as is my passion for helping people reach their full potential.

If I didn’t have these qualities then I wouldn’t be who I am, so in the end I suppose I’d rather be true to myself than change.

Time to Share my Plans

I’ve decided that now is the time to tell my boss about my plans to adopt. Legally in Alberta, you need to give six weeks notice prior to taking maternity/parental leave. Adoption makes things a little more complicated because a) you don’t know when you’ll get a match, and b) you don’t know how long the transition will take. Thankfully, the law does give some flexibility because of these circumstances. I’m currently ~ten weeks away from knowing if I will be approved or not. As soon as that day hits, there is a potential for a match. I think ten weeks is fair notice for my employer, especially when I consider that a pregnant woman would typically be giving several months of forewarning.
Do you have any idea what it’s like, trying time and time again to find a slot in your boss’ schedule? I’ve been trying to track him down all morning. Every time I work up the courage to walk into his office, he’s not there, and I can tell I’ve just missed him because his screen is still on. I guess I’ll just have to try again tomorrow. I hope my nerves don’t get the better of me in the meantime.
I imagine that even double income families feel this stress, but I can only speak from a single parent perspective. I’m as best prepared as I’m ever going to be, but I am terrified of losing my job to another round of layoffs. I’m concerned that opening up about my plans to adopt will put me on the termination list, and I can’t raise a family without an income. I’m also afraid that springing it on them at the last minute could prove bad for office relationships when I return to work. It’s sort of a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” type situation, so I’ll take the chance and hope for the best.

Meanwhile, aside from preparing to share the news at work, I’ve been getting all of the adoption training completed and preparing for my next home visit and the start of the home study process on February 4th. I have a feeling that the next two months are going to be hectic and frustrating. I’m praying that everything goes smoothly, that no one loses my paperwork or goes on vacation while they’re supposed to be approving my file. I hope my house stays clean between each home visit and that my dogs don’t make jerks of themselves in front of anyone important.

I’m quite proud of myself for having the courage to be a little more outgoing than I’m comfortable with, and making new friends who are in the same place as me. I joined a meetup.com group of people both going through the process and post-placement, and I made some connections during the training. This gives me confidence that I’ll be able to stand up and advocate for my children when I need to. I will have the courage to be their voice when they can’t speak for themselves (or shouldn’t have to).

2013 on Fire

Twenty-thirteen has been another big year for me. The year started off pretty stressful; I was at a job I absolutely hated going to every day, I struggled with managing my dad’s estate and the related expenses, I went to therapy to work through feelings of resentment towards my mother, I broke up with Levi after much contemplation and my neighbours were causing trouble.

By fall I seemed to have found some peace. I moved jobs to something I enjoy more, in a friendlier environment. I sold my dad’s property which kicked off the closing of the estate and pay-out of my inheritance which I used to purchase my first home, a four-bedroom + den duplex in the suburbs near my family. My relationship with my mom seems to have gotten much better. I found peace with the past through therapy and have done my best to let things go. She’s working hard on being my mother and my friend, and she’s been my biggest support as I proceed through the domestic adoption process which kicked off when I submitted my application in April. Levi and I have managed to remain casual friends, we text on occasion and exchange pleasantries.

As the snow starts to fall, I have moved in, renovated my bathroom, painted my bedroom and gotten mostly settled into the new house. I’ve completed the next step in the adoption paperwork, met a few people who are going through the same life-changing process, and am getting ready for Christmas with my family.

Moving into 2014, I’m expecting the year to be mostly focused on the adoption process. In January I have five mandatory parental training days. After that I’ll begin the home study process and hopefully by spring I’ll be in the system and waiting to be matched with my future children. I’m not sure how long the matching process will take, but once it is complete I’ll be shifting into parental leave and mommy-hood within a few days. From there, who knows what the remainder of the year will bring.

I expect I’ll do some other projects around the house next year, but they’ll be small in nature and likely tailored more towards functionality than cosmetic or repair work.

I don’t anticipate my love life revving up anytime soon. Just the thought of starting a romance while I’m working through the adoption process sounds complicated and exhausting. Once the kids are settled in and attaching well, I’ll consider opening myself up to the idea of romance again. In the meantime, it’s just me and a bottle of wine by the fire, watching “The Holiday”.

Vacations next year will pretty much be on the fly as well. I don’t think I’ll have the time or money for a real vacation and once the kids come we’ll need to stay close to home. I might take a staycation in February or March, and I wouldn’t mind investing in a small trailer to tow behind my Jeep so the kids, the dogs and I can all pack up and road trip to the island to visit my BFF. I think the kids would really like it, and there are plenty of lakes and kid attractions along the way.

I guess, reflecting on what I’ve written so far, 2013 was sort of a transitional year. As always, I’m very much looking forward to what’s in store.