What’s on My Mind

I lost my job a month ago; I was laid off. I broke up with the guy I’ve been seeing this morning. We weren’t looking for the same things. I had to put my dog down a couple of weeks ago; he had an inoperable lump on his neck. I have PMS today, and I’m struggling to keep my life in perspective and put on a smile. I have some sort of hormonal disorder, PMDD or something like that, and the meds I was taking gave me migraines so I had to stop taking them. I’ve been emotionally up and down for the last few weeks because of it. My weight is a big contributor to my hormonal issues. It causes me to feel depressed, anxious and lazy. I feel like crap most of the time so I struggle to find the motivation to do anything about it. It’s this cyclical head game I play with myself.

My adoption plans are temporarily on hold while I look for a new job. That has me pretty bummed out. I’m considering a career change, because I basically hate what I do for a living and I want to be passionate about something. I am thinking about getting my BA in Psych through an online school, but it’s a hard decision. It’s going to cost a lot of money and be a lot of work for the next four years, the same years in which I’ll be starting a family. But, I’m getting older and I feel like if I don’t do it now, there won’t be much point later. I feel sad that I made the wrong career decisions when I was young – following the money instead of my heart.

As you can see, I have all of these things swirling around in my head right now and it’s hard to think clearly. I’d like to jump in the car and just start driving – that usually helps. What I should do is get some exercise but I don’t have any equipment at home. That’s an excuse, of course.

Confidence as a Parent and Expectations of Traumatized Children

As I inch my way closer to becoming a parent, I find myself struggling with feelings of inadequacy and a lack of self confidence. For years, I’ve been listening to my friends talk about raising their children. They’re so far ahead in the game that I’m not sure how I’ll ever stack up as a new parent. I know it’s not about comparing my successes (or my children’s) to theirs, but I feel as though I’ll struggle with the unsolicited advice and explaining to those around me how raising a child who has been neglected or abused is so much different than raising a child born to you.

I will likely have lower expectations of my children then I would a biological child. For a traumatized child, even the basic acts in life can be a challenge. My expectations need to be reasonable and achievable. There simply isn’t any comparison between a child who has been adopted and one who has not. For an adopted and/or traumatized child, feeling secure in a family, managing emotions and trying to understand why “this” happened to them take up the majority of their plates. At the end of the day, there isn’t much time left over to be the star basketball player or humanitarian of the year. Making it through each day without a meltdown is a success.

I will need to learn to trust my gut. To keep my confidence as a parent high, expectations of my children reasonable, and to shut out the voices of the people around me who think they know how it should be.

Lack of Advocating, Oversights or Outright Lies?

There’s this diagnosis a child can have called “Reactive Attachment Disorder” and it has the potential to be pretty terrifying. RAD is typically found in traumatized children and may result in a defiant or dangerous child (as with anything, there is a spectrum of seriousness); but this post isn’t really about RAD – directly.

I’ve heard a few stories now, one in person and several I’ve read online & in blogs, about social workers (government representatives) not being entirely open or honest about a child’s potential diagnosis’s or history. In pretty much all of these stories, adoptive parents were told that their child did not have RAD or FASD (fetal alcohol spectrum disorder) when they very much DID. In another instance, adoptive parents were told that one child did and one child did not have FASD. As it turned out, it was the complete opposite. This misdiagnosis or lack of information has provided in some really difficult situations for parents who may have chosen not to parent a specific child had they been given full disclosure.

I want to believe that this misinformation isn’t on purpose. I want to believe that perhaps the diagnosis had not been formally given yet, or the tests were inconclusive or perhaps the social workers weren’t well informed enough about that particular child. But, shouldn’t they be? If a test hasn’t been done yet, or information was unknown, would that not be disclosed as a possible risk or something that needed evaluation? Wouldn’t the child’s behavior in foster care be noted regardless of any diagnosis and especially if it was not in line with a given diagnosis?

I mean, if a child has been tested and determined not to have a particular diagnosis but still shows signs of that diagnosis, wouldn’t there be further testing or some form of second opinion? To the opposite end, if a child does receive a diagnosis but does not show signs leading to it, wouldn’t that be mentioned to the prospective adoptive parents?

Shouldn’t information be shared openly, regardless of its potential to “scare off” or change the mind of a prospective adoptive parent? Wouldn’t it be better to allow a parent to make the judgment call on what they’re getting into, instead of “tricking” them into it, only to find out later that their child is really nothing like what was described to them, for better or worse?

I’m concerned about this. Being new to the game, I don’t know the right questions to ask or the right people to talk to. The social workers are supposed to be the people who I can trust to guide me through the process and provide me with the tool’s I’ll need to make the best decisions and be the best parent I can be to the right child. If I can’t count on them, then that leaves me in a pretty vulnerable place.

Already, I’m seeing some breaks in an evolving system. I’m hearing rumours of efforts to improve the process but thus far what I’ve witnessed is poorly executed aboriginal training, months on end of waiting just for a phone call, discrepancies in information provided by social workers, and a lot of excuses for disorganization. It’s pretty clear already that I’ll have to stay on top of things to ensure my file doesn’t fall through the cracks. Now I’m concerned over what I’ll need to bring to the table when a match is finally made.

Reactive attachment disorder is a rare but serious condition in which infants and young children don’t establish healthy bonds with parents or caregivers.

A child with reactive attachment disorder is typically neglected, abused or orphaned. Reactive attachment disorder develops because the child’s basic needs for comfort, affection and nurturing aren’t met and loving, caring attachments with others are never established. This may permanently change the child’s growing brain, hurting the ability to establish future relationships.

Reactive attachment disorder is a lifelong condition, but with treatment children can develop more stable and healthy relationships with caregivers and others. Safe and proven treatments for reactive attachment disorder include psychological counseling and parent or caregiver education. – “Reactive Attachment Disorder” as defined by the Mayo Clinic.