The signs of demise; unforeseen by my heart and overlooked by my mind. The end of he and I has long since come and gone, and the fragments of my heart have begun to heal.
Slowly, he has slipped from my every day. Only sporadically does he enter my daydreams uninvited. No longer does the mere daylight remind me of our love. Now, I am free to live without his shadow. My days are full of distractions and blissful indifference.
But as I sleep, I am still haunted by his absence.
When I started brainstorming for this post, I was certain it was going to be about the aspect of myself I wanted to improve throughout the course of next year. I was circling around the word “discipline”, something I greatly lack in my life, but creating discipline where there simply is none seemed like a mountain in front of me. I’m not really much into climbing mountains these days (if only I was more disciplined). Instead, I landed on the word “efficient”. Efficient as in, finding ways to work with my own personality traits – the ones I already have – to make my life as efficient as possible.
Heading into adoption this year, I know there will be plenty of opportunity to be self criticizing as I become overwhelmed with the new responsibilities in my life. There’s no need to start that now. I know that I am a good person with plenty of positive personality traits. I’m strong, I’m capable, I’m loving and compassionate. So what if I lack discipline or have a tendency to be a little irritable or lazy sometimes? I can work with those. I can set strategies in place that will help me to not become irritable, or to create an “out” when I need a lazy escape from the new day-to-day responsibilities. I can create efficiencies for a productive and happy life while still embracing all of my traits – the good, and the bad.
Christmas has a way of making you feel alone… that kind of lonely that hits you so deep you can’t shake it even when you’re surrounded by your closest family. I had this conversation with my best friend the other day during our commute home, not about Christmas but about wanting someone whose focus and love is dedicated to you and you alone; that life partner. I would love to find that person, but I know it will be a while before I do.
In the meantime… I’m secretly happy that my mom is here all of the time helping me out with improvements on the house, and that my brother shows up at random hours to raid the refrigerator and use my Netflix.