Do you ever stop to think about all the people you’ve had in your life, people you bared your soul to, maybe even loved, and then lost contact with?
I remember the guy I was dating when the song by Gotye came out. His name was Brad. He turned out to be a drunk and it didn’t last for very long. Despite the short lived romance, we each put a decent amount of time and effort into getting to know one another. And that was just one guy! He was but a fragment of what I’ve put into getting to know new people. And now all they are, are people that I used to know. It really makes me think about how much of our lives we spend focusing our energies on people who at some point will no longer be a part of them. I don’t know that spending time on people is a bad thing; If we didn’t then we’d never have a chance at making new connections, romantic or otherwise… but I can’t help wondering what would happen if we put just half of that energy back into ourselves instead, because when I start adding up all of the people I “used to know”… it’s a really long list.
I lost my job a month ago; I was laid off. I broke up with the guy I’ve been seeing this morning. We weren’t looking for the same things. I had to put my dog down a couple of weeks ago; he had an inoperable lump on his neck. I have PMS today, and I’m struggling to keep my life in perspective and put on a smile. I have some sort of hormonal disorder, PMDD or something like that, and the meds I was taking gave me migraines so I had to stop taking them. I’ve been emotionally up and down for the last few weeks because of it. My weight is a big contributor to my hormonal issues. It causes me to feel depressed, anxious and lazy. I feel like crap most of the time so I struggle to find the motivation to do anything about it. It’s this cyclical head game I play with myself.
My adoption plans are temporarily on hold while I look for a new job. That has me pretty bummed out. I’m considering a career change, because I basically hate what I do for a living and I want to be passionate about something. I am thinking about getting my BA in Psych through an online school, but it’s a hard decision. It’s going to cost a lot of money and be a lot of work for the next four years, the same years in which I’ll be starting a family. But, I’m getting older and I feel like if I don’t do it now, there won’t be much point later. I feel sad that I made the wrong career decisions when I was young – following the money instead of my heart.
As you can see, I have all of these things swirling around in my head right now and it’s hard to think clearly. I’d like to jump in the car and just start driving – that usually helps. What I should do is get some exercise but I don’t have any equipment at home. That’s an excuse, of course.
This is the first picture I snapped of Snowy after I “inherited” him from my dad. We had just come out of the pet store where he got his own dog bed, a new collar and some treats to take to his new home. Today we had to put Snowy down because he had a cancerous lump in his neck that couldn’t be removed. He spent his last hour curled up with his momma. We’ll have him cremated and spread him with my dad in the mountains; my brother wanted that. I have promised him he’ll get a belly rub from grandpa when he gets to heaven.