“And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.” -Khalil Gibran
During heartbreak, there comes a point where you have to mentally push aside all of the little things. The grey matter that clouds your judgement and stops you from being able to see things as they are. You have to take a step back to try and see the big picture, you have to stop letting your imagination and your mind run wild and you have to simply trust what is in your heart.
All of this time, since Y’s been acting strangely… I knew it was because he was stressed about his Visa. He was worried he was going home to Turkey.
It was the first thing my best friend said to me the very first week he started pulling away. “Well if he’s worried he’s going back to another country then pulling away from someone he cares about and will have to leave is a perfectly normal reaction.”
She was right.
Yesterday I finally got an opportunity to talk to Y. Meaning, I tore him a new asshole via text message and he finally replied. He didn’t give me paragraphs of answers but he did say two things that changed everything for me.
He’s going back to Turkey… he never applied for the Visa extension because it would have just been another temporary fix, not a permanent solution. And he told me not to make this harder.
It was in those words, coming from the man I love, that I found understanding. I remembered what I had temporarily forgotten, which was that he loved me, and he must be hurting too.
“We stand a professional distance apart, as if I can’t feel his pain screaming in my head. Mine amplifies his; they share a joint sound—that of glass breaking—until they swell to a crescendo that deafens.” -Ann Aguirre, Aftermath
I won’t make excuses for his behaviour. He should have told me that he’d come to this decision, that it was too hard for him to continue seeing me, that he didn’t see the point in dragging the hurt out. But I understand why he didn’t.
Sometimes it is hard to remember that there are two sides to every story, that there are two sets of emotions involved, and that there are two human beings separated in actions by their gender and their culture, and their circumstance.
And yet it changes nothing… except that understanding brings me peace of mind. Now I can move forward without hating him. I can respect that he’s hurting too and he’s reacting in the only way he knows how. I can stop myself from worrying about the little things and try to find peace with the fact that the love of my life is going back to the other side of the world without me. I can remind myself now to have faith in us, and know that someday maybe God will bring him back to me. Maybe in the form of emails over a distance or a polite hug between friends, or maybe just as a memory…
I appreciate the support I continue to receive from all of my friends. I am so grateful to have so many people checking in on me, and being angry with him for me. But I have to remember that in my heart I know he’s a good person, with a good soul, and the best of intentions. I only keep the very best of people in my life, and I trust that he was one of them. If you could see what I see, you would too.
“You’re my closest friend and you’re thousands of miles away.” -Anthony Horowitz, Scorpia Rising