A Melancholy Weekend, Part I

I apologize in advance if this post is a bit jumbled or tends to ramble on…

***

Ninety percent of the time, language and culture is not a barrier between my boyfriend and I, but every so often one of us will say something that the other doesn’t understand, and it warrants a few extra questions to bring clarity.

We’re both alright with having to ask those extra questions to make sure we’re on the same page, so this system seems to work well for us most of the time.

This weekend was not really one of those times. For some reason I felt like communication just wasn’t coming easily.

It started on Saturday with us miscommunication about our plans for the evening. I thought he’d said the night before that he wanted to see me but it turned out to be “guys night”. I thought he wasn’t comfortable telling me that he wanted to hang out with the guys, or that perhaps I’d misunderstood our conversation, but as it turns out (I think- I’m still sort of unclear on how things played out) plans were changing on his end as his friends were calling while he was texting me. I ended up getting annoyed and telling him I was staying home and he went out with his friends.

Sidenote: This is still a bit of an issue for me as I felt like he blew me off for his friends. He’s going through some “man stuff” right now as his best friend just got engaged to a girl who never let’s him out of the house alone, so I’m going to be lenient here, just for a few weeks. We did discuss the situation with his friend yesterday, but I think it warrants some more conversation in a couple of weeks once things have settled down.

***

Yesterday can best be described as rather melancholy. We talked a lot as we drove out to spend Canada Day at the lake but we weren’t there long as it started raining. We ended up spending the rest of the day parked at a city look-out point, waiting for the Canada Day fireworks (which were totally lame for the record). To sum it up: we spent a lot of time in the car talking when we both wanted to be out enjoying the non-existent sunshine. I think we were both a bit disappointed by how the day turned out.

In the morning was when we had the conversation about his best friends situation, and our miscommunication the night before. For the purpose of this post I’m going to refer to his best friend as BFF and his best friends girlfriend fiancé as GF. Is that easy enough for you? lol You see, my boyfriend moved to Canada just a few months ago, shortly before we met. He came here to see his best friend who has been living here for the past six or so years. He came with high expectations of getting to spend quality time visiting and exploring the country with “his brother”. But, when he got here he discovered that BFF’s girlfriend happens to be rather… suffocating. Don’t get me wrong, I adore her. She’s very sweet, she’s just obviously a bit insecure for whatever reason and she has a hard time letting BFF out with his friends, unnattended. This has left my new man feeling rather annoyed and disappointed. I don’t think he realized his friend was in such a serious relationship, and now that they’re recently engaged he’s terrified he’ll not be allowed to see his friend anymore at all.

It’s a tough situation because I can see it from different angles. GF wants to spend time with BFF and be a part of his every day life. That’s part of committment. She also doesn’t want her fiancé getting into trouble hanging out with the single guys, and they come from a culture that is much more strict about the interactions of the sexes. I suspect there’s one friend in particular that makes her nervous, and I understand that because he is very demanding of my new man’s time as well. He’s single and he loves to party, and he has cancer so the guys sympathize with him and allow him to perhaps take up a bit more of their time than they should. Last weekend new man and I got home from meeting my friends, and he told me he’d just finished “banging” some girl who got into his cab.

My new man isn’t one to high five his friend for getting laid, he’s far more respectful of women than that, but he also doesn’t understand why GF is upset when they all hang out because it is their friend who is single, not them. He told me that they go out in a group of guys and if a girl comes to the table to talk to one of them that he will always make sure she goes away. They will not let each other get into trouble or be in compromising situations (he’s far more “hard core” about this than most North American men would be, because in Turkish culture men and women who are not married typically are not supposed to be alone together or talking without their significant others near by.).

I completely trust the new man when he’s out with his friends. I also definitely understand GF’s insecurities about it. I think overall this is a group of guys who are in that transition phase where they’re longing for commitment and families of their own, but they’re also clinging for dear life to their independence.

MY problem with the situation is this: My new man is really freaked out by how clingy GF is. He understands that it’s just her and that I’m all for him having his space (I brought it up yesterday to make sure), but I still think that it impacts how he acts with me sometimes. I feel like I have to walk on egg shells so I don’t do anything that even slightly resembles her actions. Second, this one single friend (we’ll call him Can) is legitimately taking up too much of his free time. He stops by late on weeknights when new man is finished work and keeps him up late (new man will not go to bed if he has company over and he will not ask them to leave). On the weekends Can is constantly calling wanting to make plans… I’m cool with this to a point. If new man tells me he has plans already with his friends or that he wants to spend the day/evening/whatever with his friends… cool. But, if we’re hanging out and it’s the only time I’ve seen him all week then I don’t want to share him with his friends. A couple of weeks ago we were together on a Sunday and Can called to ask if we would meet him and some friends at the lake to kick a soccer ball around. On that particular weekend I didn’t mind because we’d spent lots of time together both alone and with friends… but if that had happened yesterday when I hadn’t seen him in a week, I’d have been miserable. I need to make sure that I’m speaking up and saying “honey, I don’t want to see your friends today”, and I’m sure he would receive that well, but I worry that it will make me look like GF. Yesterday when we were bored we thought about going back to his place, but we knew that Can, BFF, and GF were all there. I told him I wanted alone time with him and he was fine with that… so perhaps I am worried for nothing.

 

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4 thoughts on “A Melancholy Weekend, Part I

  1. The beginning of a relationship can be confusing for both people. I’m guessing he is fine with you wanting to hang out just the two of you. When you only see him once or twice a week, it is completely reasonable to need alone time. Don’t let your fear of being compared to GF stand in your way. You are nothing like her. I’m sure he knows that.

    • Yes, you’re right. When I mentioned wanting alone time, he completely agreed and was understanding (that was when he said we should get our own place). When I told him I didn’t want him to think of me like her he said, “no honey, no one is like her. Just she’s like that.” so that’s a good sign. I made it very clear that I am okay with him spending time with his friends so long as he’s not cancelling on me to do it- and I reminded him of several occasions when I encouraged him to go.

  2. I think you’re right about speaking up, though I might phrase it a bit differently than “I don’t want you to see your friends today.” Guys never seem to understand that we get upset when they make plans with us then bail for their friends, not that they hang out with their friends. I like the approach you mentioned after, just asking for alone time given you hadn’t seen him at all. Your new man is in transition too. He has to learn how to manage his time between everyone now that he’s got a hot girlfriend too!

    • LOL I wouldn’t say “I don’t want YOU to see your friends today” I would say “I don’t want to see your friends today”. It sounds pretty direct but we’re both direct people and when it comes to other languages I have to speak that way. I speak much more proper English when I’m talking to him, lol.

      You raise a very good point…
      I am a hot girlfriend.
      LOL
      But for real… you’re right, he’s transitioning and we need to work together to make sure we’re both getting what we need. For me, it’s time, and alone time.

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