He Simply Apologized

Near the end of my relationship with my ex, I started to feel really bad about myself. I was (am) overweight, and instead of being supportive and gently encouraging me to be healthier, he became mentally abusive and eventually I started to feel like he didn’t want to be with me if I wasn’t skinny.

It was true, he didn’t.

That explains why I was so sensitive tonight when my boyfriend jokingly told me that I should be working out instead of drinking wine. I took it really personally, and I know he didn’t mean it that way.

Early in our relationship he mentioned that he was going to get a gym membership so he could “beef up”, and I mentioned that I had been working out at home. That lead to him trying to give me some helpful advice about what exercises are best for losing weight. I didn’t really ask for the advice, but I know that he was trying to be supportive and thoughtful by giving it.

On occasion since then, he asks how my workouts are going, and he’s genuinely interested. When I sit back and think about it, it’s obvious that he really cares about me. He wants the best for me.

But… I can’t help but having flash backs of my ex telling me “you’re perfect, except you’re fat”.

Wondering if my current boyfriend feels that same way is like a knife in my chest. Especially since he makes me so happy.

I want to lose weight. I want to be healthy. I want to have a family and be athletic and live a long life doing all of the things I really want to do.

…but I also want to be with someone who loves me 100%, no matter what. No ultimatums, no guilt trips, just unconditional love and affection from someone who cares about me, treats me right, and takes care of me emotionally so that I can take care of myself physically.

I really hope that it’s him. :)

***

As a side note to this subject…

Sometimes things get lost in translation. My boyfriend is Turkish and sometimes his interpretation of certain words is a little bit off. Like the word “lazy” for example.

He uses this word far too often. I find that in english the word lazy has very negative connotations, but he doesn’t get that. To him, everything is “lazy”.

Having a “lazy” Sunday because he stayed home.

Being “lazy” instead of “forgetful” if he forgot to run an errand.

His work day being “lazy” because he had several small jobs instead of one big one.

His room mate being “lazy” because he drives slow.

Me being “lazy” because my weekday bedtime is 10pm (when the sun is still shining in the summer! OMG!)

Of course I don’t like the word lazy, and sometimes when he says it I feel offended or insulted, but I recognize that he is using it in a broader context than most North Americans.

Tonight, I was feeling super sensitive after his comment about my drinking wine (probably because I was drinking wine, and I’m super stressed out at work), and so I decided to speak up.

I told him that I knew he didn’t mean to, but that sometimes it hurts my feelings when he uses the word “lazy”.

I was nervous bringing it up because it’s always a little awkward that first time you express disappointment honestly.

But he amazed me. He didn’t get defensive like most of the men I’ve dated would. He didn’t make excuses. He didn’t argue that it doesn’t mean what I think it means, or that I was being silly. 

He simply apologized!

Profusely, actually. He asked me to forgive him, that he was sorry for hurting me and said that he would never say it again… and I trust that he won’t.

It makes me love him a little bit more. :)

Communication is so important and I’m so grateful to be with someone who I can talk to open and honestly. Now I just need to work up to explaining to him why I’m sensitive about my weight, so that he can be supportive without me taking it as a personal attack every time he asks how I’m doing.

Truthfully, now that I’m finished writing this post I’m realizing how silly it is that I feel this way at all. I have an amazing man who cares about me and at some point, I’m going to have to let go of that insecurity from my past.

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15 thoughts on “He Simply Apologized

    • That happened to me twice yesterday. I’ve gotten into the habit of copying my messages before submitting.

      It is good that I opened up. It was hard for me to do but he took it so well & it made me feel majorly reassured.

  1. It’s not silly. You have a history. Our past doesn’t simply vanish because we have a nice guy! Talk to him about it, make him aware. He sounds like a great guy and once you make him aware, I’m sure he’ll take every step possible to make sure he never makes you feel that way again!

  2. This: “but I also want to be with someone who loves me 100%, no matter what. No ultimatums, no guilt trips, just unconditional love and affection from someone who cares about me, treats me right, and takes care of me emotionally so that I can take care of myself physically.”

    That is something you should offer yourself too.

    Happy you’re with a great guy with a great heart!

    XO

    • Yeah, I hadn’t thought of it that way but you’re right.

      Crap! lol hmm… Gives me something to think about.

      Thank you, and your Gentleman Jack… Wow… I saw those Maine photos. Could his arms get any bigger? Damn girl! Haha

      • (no, his arms really could not – LOL!) ;-) And I agree with what T says and everyone here! I am so glad you were honest and you are staying true to your wants and dealbreakers and makers and I really think your approach is such a smart one, and you are laying the groundwork for a very strong relationship! XO

  3. I think men will always care about a woman’s weight – just some of them don’t say anything. And just the way society is built, we’ll always feel insecure if we’re overweight. I’ve had worse comments said to me by “boyfriends.” And even with the ones who wouldn’t say anything – it’s like those issues come to light when you meet someone special. So I think ultimately, once you start taking care of yourself (you’re worth it, afterall), you’ll feel better and comments like that won’t bother you as much.

    • You make a good point. It would be nice of he cared, but wanted to be with me regardless. I care too, I just don’t want to feel as though I’m in an ultimatum situation.

  4. It amazes me how easy it is to hold onto negative comments from the past and dismiss positive ones from our present. I know one of my biggest obstacles is letting go of what haters have said to me in the past … letting them define me instead of defining myself. I’m working on it. :)

  5. Saying I’m sorry is so simple, and yet, it means so much. Kudos to you for communicating with him and to him for understanding. Cok guzel :)!

  6. Pingback: A Melancholy Weekend, Part III « Quarter For Her Thoughts

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