I’ve had a million things I’ve wanted to write about lately, but I just haven’t had the energy for any of them. I’ve been struggling to hold it together, but have managed to at least fake it fairly well. Every so often though, like tonight, I just can’t do it. It’s Christmas Eve, and I miss my family so much. My cousin and her husband are vacationing in Floriday, my other cousin and my Aunt couldn’t make it to town due to a knee surgery, and of course, I miss my Grandma and my Dad immensely. Instead of being with all of the people I’m usually with for the holidays, I’m sitting in the spare room at my Mom’s house having a meltdown while my Mom, brother, and cousin are at church with my other Grandma.
You see, we recently made the collective decision to move Grandma (my maternal Grandmother) into a home, due to her worsening dementia and lack of ability to take care of herself. Her feelings about it go up and down, but when they are down, she blames Mom for “putting her in there”. This is normal I hear, but she’s been quite mean to Mom and Mom’s not handling the stress very well. She’s taking it out on me, as usual. She’s always taken her stress out on me, as long as I can remember. If Mom’s miserable, so am I.
I went over to my BFF’s tonight, to deliver Christmas gifts for the kids and hang out for a few hours until my cousin got back from taking Grandma to church… and I was having a great time, but while I was gone, Mom decided she was going to go to church too, so she called me to come home with the car, and so I asked if I could come home a few minutes early so she could take me back to my BFF’s so I could finish my visit (this is about a five minute drive in a small town). Let’s just say, she said no. Actually, she huffed and puffed no, as loudly as she could. So now I’m at her house by myself on Christmas Eve. She didn’t even ask me to go, she just walked right past me in the driveway and said “see you in an hour”… and honestly, had the fucking battery in my car not crapped out last week, I’d have just driven home. At least then I’d be alone in my own home, instead of loathing the unfortunate return of my miserable Mother.
My BFF was more than willing to come get me so I could hang out with her some more, but now I’m in a mood and the last thing I want to do is ruin her family’s Christmas. We’re all supposed to play some board games after church, but who knows how the night will unfold. I just wish my Dad were here, and all of my other family. Christmas is too quiet this year, it just doesn’t feel “right”.
I know this sounds like me just venting, and I am. I’ve been dealing with one nightmare after the other lately. I want to be with my family but I don’t want to be with my family all at the same time. I don’t want to go to work anymore because my boss has been a complete hag since I got back from my bereavement leave, I’ve seriously never felt so worthless in all my life as she’s made me feel in the past few weeks. And now I have to fork out cash to fix my busted ass car… and all the while, I have to put a smile on my face and pretend like I’m not about to burst into tears.
Merry fucking Christmas.