Just to put it out there: This is not a “woe is me” post…. I am no debbie downer today.
This morning I woke up, and as per usual I jumped on the scale first thing, before my shower… and *gasp* It was 2.4 lbs lower than it was the day before!
Let me explain to you how I track my weight. You probably won’t like it but it works for me so I don’t care. Before I started trying to lose weight, I weighed myself every day for a week or two, first thing in the morning. I noticed how some days I was much higher than the day before or the day after, and I paid attention to the patterns in it’s jumping around (higher before my monthly hits and what not). I took the lowest number that I was over those two weeks, and wrote it down. And that is what I consider to be my start weight.
Every morning since (well okay, *most mornings*) I weigh myself, and I recognize that there are ups and downs throughout the week depending on a number of different factors, so I don’t get bent out of shape if I go up three pounds overnight. Every time I see a number that is lower than my previous lower number, I write it down and log it into my tracker.
This works for me because I’m not beating myself up week after week if my number wasn’t exactly what I wanted. Instead, I am only striving for a loss.
I’ve been really good with my eating habits over the last couple of weeks, and I started kickboxing again this week (ouch), but this mornings number was still a bigger drop (overnight!) than I expected, but yay!
I am now down a total of 17 lbs!!
I’m really happy with that number. I do feel like this process has been really slow for me, but I’m okay with it because I think I have a better chance of keeping it off that way. Plus, my biggest fear about losing weight is having a bunch of loose skin left afterwards. That would absolutely crush me. So, perhaps losing it slowly and allowing my skin more time to shrink up is a godsend.
So there’s my good news of the day. I guess I’m doing something right!
So I wanted to take the opportunity to express a feeling that I’ve grown all to familiar with. It’s the “fat girl with a pretty face” feeling.
When I was in high school, my best friend was a real bitch. She was chubby as a kid and her Mom was really hard on her, and so in her teen years, even though she’d lost much weight, she was insecure and preyed on people weaker than her to take down. I was it. (It wasn’t that I was “weak” per say but I was struggling with anxiety and not really on my A-game.) Our other good friend at the time was also very insecure, and I think she fed off of that too.
One day, her and I were out and about doing what teenage girls do, and she said to me, “You know IntrigueMe, if you were skinny you’d probably be prettier than K and me”.
And my heart sunk.
It didn’t sink because she was telling me I was pretty, it sunk because I felt like she was telling me I wasn’t pretty because I was fat. I wasn’t equal to them because I was fat. The sad thing is that while I was heavier in high school, I was probably half the size I am now and wouldn’t have been nearly as insecure if it wasn’t for her pushing me down all the time. And I knew how she meant it. She wasn’t one of those people who means it in a nice way, no, she meant it to hurt me, and it did.
So now… I’m a little bit sensitive around the subject. (There is something to be said about getting rid of the negative influences and people in your life. Success is so much easier without all the bullshit.)
People are constantly telling me “oh you’ve got great features, if you just lost a little weight…” or “oh you’ve got such a pretty face, if you just lost a little weight…” and I want to kick them in the face.
I know that with the exception of my old friend, these people are not saying it to be cruel. They’re trying to encourage me and compliment me, but that day from my youth haunts me.
I feel as though people are saying “you’re ugly because you’re fat and you can’t be pretty unless you lose weight”.
It’s illogical, I know… but it’s how I feel.
I don’t really know where I was going with that, but it’s something to think about.