Fat Girl With a Pretty Face

Just to put it out there: This is not a “woe is me” post…. I am no debbie downer today.

This morning I woke up, and as per usual I jumped on the scale first thing, before my shower… and *gasp* It was 2.4 lbs lower than it was the day before!

Let me explain to you how I track my weight. You probably won’t like it but it works for me so I don’t care. Before I started trying to lose weight, I weighed myself every day for a week or two, first thing in the morning. I noticed how some days I was much higher than the day before or the day after, and I paid attention to the patterns in it’s jumping around (higher before my monthly hits and what not). I took the lowest number that I was over those two weeks, and wrote it down. And that is what I consider to be my start weight.

Every morning since (well okay, *most mornings*) I weigh myself, and I recognize that there are ups and downs throughout the week depending on a number of different factors, so I don’t get bent out of shape if I go up three pounds overnight. Every time I see a number that is lower than my previous lower number, I write it down and log it into my tracker.

This works for me because I’m not beating myself up week after week if my number wasn’t exactly what I wanted. Instead, I am only striving for a loss.

I’ve been really good with my eating habits over the last couple of weeks, and I started kickboxing again this week (ouch), but this mornings number was still a bigger drop (overnight!) than I expected, but yay!

I am now down a total of 17 lbs!!

I’m really happy with that number. I do feel like this process has been really slow for me, but I’m okay with it because I think I have a better chance of keeping it off that way. Plus, my biggest fear about losing weight is having a bunch of loose skin left afterwards. That would absolutely crush me. So, perhaps losing it slowly and allowing my skin more time to shrink up is a godsend.

So there’s my good news of the day. I guess I’m doing something right!

***

So I wanted to take the opportunity to express a feeling that I’ve grown all to familiar with. It’s the “fat girl with a pretty face” feeling.

When I was in high school, my best friend was a real bitch. She was chubby as a kid and her Mom was really hard on her, and so in her teen years, even though she’d lost much weight, she was insecure and preyed on people weaker than her to take down. I was it. (It wasn’t that I was “weak” per say but I was struggling with anxiety and not really on my A-game.) Our other good friend at the time was also very insecure, and I think she fed off of that too.

One day, her and I were out and about doing what teenage girls do, and she said to me, “You know IntrigueMe, if you were skinny you’d probably be prettier than K and me”.

And my heart sunk.

It didn’t sink because she was telling me I was pretty, it sunk because I felt like she was telling me I wasn’t pretty because I was fat. I wasn’t equal to them because I was fat. The sad thing is that while I was heavier in high school, I was probably half the size I am now and wouldn’t have been nearly as insecure if it wasn’t for her pushing me down all the time. And I knew how she meant it. She wasn’t one of those people who means it in a nice way, no, she meant it to hurt me, and it did.

So now… I’m a little bit sensitive around the subject. (There is something to be said about getting rid of the negative influences and people in your life. Success is so much easier without all the bullshit.)

People are constantly telling me “oh you’ve got great features, if you just lost a little weight…”  or “oh you’ve got such a pretty face, if you just lost a little weight…” and I want to kick them in the face.

I know that with the exception of my old friend, these people are not saying it to be cruel. They’re trying to encourage me and compliment me, but that day from my youth haunts me.

I feel as though people are saying “you’re ugly because you’re fat and you can’t be pretty unless you lose weight”.

It’s illogical, I know… but it’s how I feel.

I don’t really know where I was going with that, but it’s something to think about.

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17 thoughts on “Fat Girl With a Pretty Face

  1. SO proud of your weight loss!!! That is awesome. Slow and steady wins the race, ya know? Great great progress. As for the ‘fat girl with a pretty face?’ I HATE that statement and I HATE when people say it to my sister too. (Jen). It’s such a slap in the face. It’s rude. Even if it’s not intended that way. That phrase needs to just die a quick and painful death. That is all. XO!

  2. Um- you are f*cking awesome! Losing 17lbs is AMAZING!!!!!! That’s a really significant amount of weight! I would LOVE to lose that much.

    And for the HS girl…. It was *her* insecurities that were talking when she was putting you down. It sucks she had to put you down to feel better about herself, but I’m glad you are in a better place now. You’re doing so great!!!!

  3. Congratulations!!!!! That’s great and I’m proud of you.

    That comment is just wrong.

    You know what? In our house, pretty is pretty. Weight isn’t an issue really for who we find attractive. I’m not at my ideal weight either and I just wish I knew how to dress to that. What clothes are becoming to me the most. I see women that are heavier than me that are sexy and they are confident that they look good. I envy that.

    For some reason, even though I’ve never laid eyes on you, I have a feeling you are one of those women.

    • That was the nicest thing you could have possibly said. Thank you so much!!

      I do try to put myself together nicely, but living in Canada we’re really limited in plus size clothing so it’s hard. One of the biggest reasons I want to slim down is so I can SHOP more!! haha

      You could try seeking the advice of a sales person, or better, google clothing for your body type! I admit though, it’s not easy.

  4. Beauty comes from within. I’m 36 and I am still working on this lesson. I’ve beat myself up regularly over my weight for decades but now I am making a conscious effort to stop. I am glad you already seem to know this lesson. It’s about being healthy and being confident. “F” anyone who says otherwise. They’re not real friends anyway. ;-)

    I learned a valuable lesson in the last few years. I actually got down to my goal weight and had a tummy tuck (my stomach skin never bounced back from pregnancy and from being overweight). You know what though? It didn’t solve all my problems. Going into it I thought I had realistic expectaions, but afterward I realized I had kind of expected it to “fix me”. I guess I thought I would be different or that I would be miraculously healed somehow (I carry around a lot of emotional baggage about weight too). The thing is, I am still me and the baggage is still there. *facepalm* Cue my light bulb moment. There is soooo much more to life than this.

    I still have things to work on in regard to my inner self, but I realize now, my real problems never had to do with my external self. Mind you, I still exercise and eat healthy, I am up a few pounds from where I want to be, but I am so done beating myself up about it. Now my focus is on being healthy and happy. Even at my lowest weight you know what? I still wasn’t happy. I stil had other problems. So now my focus has shifted. I will never look like a magazine photo and I have ceased caring.

    Beauty shines from the inside out. I think you’re beautiful already; your posts here express that very clearly.

    • Thanks for all of your comments, Laura. I haven’t replied to the ones of my “Stories of the Ex” series yet as I’m going to respond to all of them once the series is over– but I have enjoyed them!

      I’m glad you’re not so hard on yourself anymore. It is certainly a big lesson to learn that you have to be OK on the inside, first.

      I do feel mostly okay on the inside. I do have some insecurities and some anxiety, but I’m working on those separately. Losing weight for me is mostly about vanity and activity. I want desperately to play sports and to go travelling (and not be out of breath!), and also I love fashion and I can’t wait to be able to buy some awesome new outfits!

      Cheers to us both!

  5. Wow. Thank you for this perspective. And you’re right, not a damn thing wrong with getting rid of negative people in your life.

    I’m proud of your attitude and how you’re taking care of your body, soul and mind. That’s not pretty. That’s breathtakingly beautiful!!

    • Negative influences in our life only bring us down, even if they’re not directly impacting any one thing. For example, bad friendships didn’t make me fat, but they certainly distracted me from my goals and made it far harder to stay calm and collected.

      Thank you. :) This blog has been a great help for the “soul and mind” portion. And for the body part too, actually!

  6. Man, talk about a “mean girl!” Kids are freaking cruel, and yes, they do want it to hurt.

    Good for you on your weight loss. Slow is definitely the way to go – much easier to keep it off that way! xox

    • Sadly we were in our late teenage years already when she made this comment! She’s still insecure and a total bitch to this day. Anything to make herself feel better.

      Thank you! :)

  7. Yay you for being so committed to exercising more and eating better! And, your feelings aren’t illogical. Those people might not have intended to be cruel, but they are rude. Know that your bloggy friends see you as pretty on the inside and out. I hope that you see yourself the same way, if not now than someday soon. xoxo

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