Let’s Not Get Too Excited

After making public the other day, my desire to possibly start dating again, I made the grande gesture of creating a new dating profile… on Lavalife.

It didn’t take long for me to be reminded why I disliked the site several years ago when I last used it. First, most of the men on there are older- like a lot older. Second, the number who sent cross-the-line racy instant messages was astounding. I’ve already blocked half a dozen pervy old men. Third, they have three sections where you can have a profile. The system defaults you into both the “dating” and “realtionship” sections, but you have the option of creating a third profile in the “intimate” section. Not that there’s anything wrong with this, but I recall in the past being tempted to find out if guys I was talking to in the other sections also had an “intimate” profile, and I really don’t need to know about that sort of thing.

So, basically Lavalife has been a dud so far… except for one potential.

Newfie sent me an instant message before I’d even finished filling out my profile, and after a brief conversation online I was interested. He’s my age, good looking, has a good job, owns his own home with his brother, and seems to be very well mannered. After our conversation he asked if we could talk again sometime, and he offered up his phone number so that we didn’t have to worry about trying to link up on Lavalife again. The next day I threw the ball back in his court by texting him with my number and my Blackberry pin and telling him to get in touch whenever he’d like.

He has, every day since then. Mostly we’ve had conversations via Blackberry Messenger but after the first conversation via that means, he asked if he could call me sometime, which he did the next night.

Sidenote: Let me tell you this, the reason the world thinks we Canadians pronounce “about” like “aboot” is because of Newfoundlanders. They have the strangest accents. (Newfie is originally from Newfoundland, obviously.)

Conversations have been good, but so far he has yet to ask me out. He seems eager to talk to me, so I’m hoping he’s only holding out because I had told him about my busy weekend and he’s working nightshifts this week, but time will tell.

So, here’s a bit of a snag… or maybe, you can tell me if you think this is a snag or not.

In our first telephone conversation, Newfie asked me when my last relationship was and I was honest without giving too much detail. Of course, even though I didn’t really want to know so soon, I asked him the same. His last relationship lasted seven months and ended just one month ago. He said that it was not a dramatic finish, but she wanted an engagement ring and he was not (for whatever reason) willing to give it to her. Apparenly she was mad when he saved up for a new stereo system instead of the ring. He was honest with me and said that while he wants to be with someone, he’s only twenty-five and he doesn’t want to get married just yet (fair enough).

It didn’t seem to me, listening to him talk about it, that he’s hung up on her or that relationship, and when I asked point-blank if there was any drama left there, he assured me there was not, and so I didn’t concern myself with it. Seven months doesn’t seem to me like a long enough relationship to get worked up about (though I do wonder if it was actually serious or if she just wanted a ring).

That was the last of the relationship talk until yesterday (and that previous conversation was surprisingly brief considering how much I just told you). Last night I got a message from Newfie asking me how my weekend had been, and he mentioned he was heading to his uncles for a BBQ and a couple of beers. A few hours later I got another message asking me if he could call, because he needed someone to talk to. I hesitated, but said sure.

He was at a bar (a restauraunt-lounge kind of place) watching the hockey game by himself when he called. I’m suspecting he’d had a couple of beers because why else would he have called about such a topic, but he didn’t sound drunk- just to be clear. He told me that when his girlfriend left, she did it during the day while he was at work, and she took all of their furniture with her (so they were living together, then?). He said he thought that was harsh, but he didn’t fight her on it. Then, she got in touch with him recently and said she felt bad for taking all of the furniture and he could come and get some of it, but when he called her to make arrangements yesterday she said the phone line was fuzzy and hung up. Long story short, he doesn’t think he’ll get any of it back and is thinking about cutting his losses and shopping for some new furniture today. He said he was stressed about it but he didn’t really seem dramatic about it. Then, he said “I probably shouldn’t have called you about this, hey? I guess I just needed to talk it out and thought of you”.

So what I’m wondering is, is it really that simple, that he had a couple of beers and just wanted to talk… or should I beware of some lingering situation? (For the record: My gut is actually, for once, telling me not to worry about it.)

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16 thoughts on “Let’s Not Get Too Excited

  1. Well, we talked about this already, so I’m curious what others think ;-) Also, I think the quality increases a LITTLE bit with pay sites, though I know you don’t necessarily want to invest either. But some of the sketch goes away a little with match.com vs. these…and OKCupid isn’t too bad either.

    • I have an OKStupid account and I hate it- the only people who message me on there are transvestites and other weirdo’s. Lavalife is sort of a paid site, actually. You have to pay to send IM’s or messages to people, but they can reply for free. At least I know Newfie was willing to dish out a few bucks to subscribe… though I admit, I haven’t yet, but only because I’m not 100% serious about it yet (am I ever?).

  2. Interesting situation. I think it’s promising that he contacted you when he had something to discuss. It shows he, indeed, trusts you and values your insights (or even just your attention). I would be a little bit wary of this situation, mostly because it’s only been over a month. I read somewhere that someone should be single for half as long as their last relationship lasted in order to truly move on. So he has a few months to go. Just my two cents…

    • Hmm… they were a good two cents, thanks. :) I guess I’ll know to take him seriously if he actually asks me out… lol… and then I have to figure out if I actually like him (or if he likes me!).

  3. To me, by him talking to you about this- it puts you in the friend zone. I don’t think anyone really wants to talk out past relationship issues with people they potentially want to date. I say this because it sounds like he sought you out to specifically talk about this, where it’d be different if he called to talk and somehow it found its way into the conversation. And they lived together? To me that’s a flag. The last guy I dated had lived with the girl he ended up going back to (why we ended things) and it just seems if you live with someone- there’s just more there. Idk. That’s how I see it I guess.

    I use eharmony and wow- sucky site. I’ve liked Match best. And POF is the craigslist of dating sites. lol

    • Hmm… the dreaded “friend zone”… I hate it there. I sure hope that’s not where I’ve gotten!
      I was a bit put off when I found out they lived together as well. He didn’t actually say that they did, but if she took the furniture then one would assume that, right?

  4. I’ll be blunt, he still lives with somebody and he is just setting up the necessary “story” to sleep with you at your house and avoid going to his house. How do I know? I don’t but the story seems too farfetched to be true:

    (1) he bought/shares the house with his brother; I’m sure the brother would stop at nothing to get his home furniture back, don’t you? Ask to visit the house, watch the excuses fly.

    (2) who can organize a truck to remove furniture in a single day? Why spend $100’s of $$$ to remove furniture from a boyfriend’s house. If it is true, she is a psycho; besides, he should call the police if he knows who stole his furniture, much easier to let them deal with her? Offer to phone your (fictitious) uncle who is a cop, more excuses.

    (3) he is reflecting back to you what you want to hear; a vulnerable man in need of love that forgives his girlfriend and has money to buy new furniture; remember you haven’t met the guy and he already has your phone # (hasn’t anybody told you to use a throw-away phone # for dating?) and PIN, good luck with getting him to stop bugging you now.

    So from a logical guy, his story is already full of holes. I hope I am wrong but be careful.

    • I love that the little icon WordPress assigned to you is pink… ha.

      I understand the dangers of naivety, but I do think your scepticism is a little to the extreme. That said, you raised a couple of good points, and I’ll be sure to dig a little deeper to find some clarification.

      P.S. Regarding your point number 2)… I don’t know that it happened in a single day, it sounds from what he told me like things had gone down hill over a period of time, near the end. And, if it was “their” furniture- purchased together (I don’t know) then I hardly doubt the cops would do anything.

      And lastly… Who said the uncle was a cop?? Huh??

  5. Errr…ummm…I have no idea. I read this twice and went back and forth like I was watching a tennis match. I would say take it slow, simple. If they were living together….that is serious no matter howyou put it. And I don’t know, 25 and he isn’t ready for to get married but they shared furniture? I would hit the friend zone first. This one is hard. I think I”m leaning towards no. I don’t think any of that made sense at all, sorry:)

  6. A_guys_opinion makes some very interesting points. I don’t necessarily agree, but I think you should definitely try to score an invite to his house just to see. But obviously after you’ve seen him at least twice. I’m not getting ahead of myself!

    Maybe he just wanted an excuse to call and talk to you. And he came up with a really crazy reason? To be perfectly honest, I think he sounds like he might have future issues with relationships (meaning he’s really not over this girl but wants you to think he is). But that doesn’t mean you can’t give him a chance. Dating is about getting to know each other. Try not to judge him before you do that. At the same time, however, keep your eyes wide open for red flags.

    • At this point I’m not even sure he’ll ask me out- I was just throwing it out there to see if there was a reason I shouldn’t say yes if he did! Maybe he did just want to call me, I’m not sure. Maybe he’s not over this girl, not sure about that either. You are right though, dating is about getting to know people and I really know very little about him thus far. I’ll give him a chance, but as usual my motto is “shape up or ship out!”. He’s got to step up to the plate and impress me if he wants to earn a shot.

  7. Hmmm… I wouldn’t say dismiss him immediately because of it, but file it away in case there are future cases. Frankly, I’m a bit more concerned that he goes to bars alone and has a few beers…

  8. I was going to say seven months is nothing, who cares? But who the hell moves in together within that timeframe… moves in, wants a ring and breaks up. Jeez… I’m still figuring out what my Shiny New Bike likes to eat for dinner (exaggeration, but you get the point). (Although his 9-year old Trike did ask me this weekend when I was moving in with them… thank goodness we both own our own homes so I have a built-in excuse for the little one.)

    Guy does have an interesting point regarding the fact if brother and he live together, there should have been more issue over furniture. Isn’t it weird to own a home with your brother – like, what .. are you going to be roommates for life (or 30 years).

    Despite all that, I’m still a little excited and think you should go out with him, get to know him, and then make a decision. Just don’t move in with him ;-) And ask him out!!! Don’t wait for him.

  9. Hmmmm. This is a tricky one and I have to say that I agree with a lot of points already brought up. It is a little suspicious that he is now furniture-less in a house that he owns with his brother? You guys have been talking for awhile and he still hasn’t asked to see you or get together? That may be a “friend zone” flag. I realize I’m behind in my reading and the situation may have changed, but all I would say is go in to it with your eyes wiiiiide open. Don’t try and dismiss any red flags by trying to create logical-to-you reasons for them. I think the fact that you put this out there for opinions from the blog world shows that maybe there is a little teeny red flag? Just make sure you do what’s best for YOU.

    • I’ve been asking some more questions and stuff and I realized that I’m *pretty sure* he was talking about bedroom furniture that she took… not necessarily like living room furniture and stuff. I’m not positive on that because I didn’t want to seem like I was being nosy but I did ask some questions and that was the impression I got. He said something about a new bed.

      He has asked to see me, right after I wrote this post- we’re just trying to find a time that works for us both since I’m only available certain nights and he works night shifts every other week. Maybe this week, or next weekend though!

      I’ve been talking to him on the phone a lot (I love that he calls) and it’s been good, easy conversation. He seems really down to earth and mature. Has his shit together and seems responsible. Tells me about the guys on his team at work and how he manages them and stuff- has a good head on his shoulders.

      We’ll see, though.

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