Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. -Plato
That quote has been circling our little corner of the blogosphere for the last while, but I decided to re-paste it here as it seems appropriate.
I feel great tonight, which is a huge 180 from where I was last night.
For the last few weeks I’ve been eating really well and counting all of my calories. I’ve been drinking so much water that I mentally schedule my tasks at work around my bladder (I’m drinking Crystal Light like it’s going out of style!). I’ve reached my first goal weight, which was small but important none the less… and I’m working towards my second goal which is to drop a few more pounds so that I’m still under that number when I’m at the peak of my menstrual cycle and am retaining enough water to flood New York (why I picked NY, I don’t know). I’m hoping to be there by the end of next week when I leave for vacation, but that might be aiming a bit too high. Still though, I’m doing good and I’m feeling good.
Yesterday I was feeling so inspired and motivated. For once I had no desire to jump off the boat into a never ending ocean of potato chips. I’ve been swimming lately (in water- not in potato chips- as great as that sounds), so my body was feeling good… and I was generally happy. I was looking forward to coming home, getting some things done and heading to bed early. Instead, I stepped off of my bus onto the sidewalk outside of my condo, and got called a “fat pig” by a complete stranger who came up behind me on his bicycle, because apparently I was “in his way”. I cussed him out, but it didn’t matter- the cut was deep and I burst into tears as soon as the door had closed behind me… and that was how I spent the next hour. Feeling sorry for myself and contemplating skipping dinner because I was too ashamed to eat. I may be fat, but I am not a pig, and that was what stung. I don’t have food on my face or holes in my clothes. I don’t walk around with my ass hanging out of my pants. Call me a bitch if you want to, at least that’s applicable, but don’t fucking call me a pig.
You know, I’m an adult and I think I’m rather level-headed, so I made it through okay. I managed to pull myself together and I made a bowl of soup for dinner, but I couldn’t help but wonder about all of those poor young girls (and boys) who are surrounded by bullies and peer pressure 24/7. It’s no wonder they starve themselves. It’s no wonder they’re committing suicide. It’s an unfair world, people can be so cruel, and of course heavier people are easy targets because we wear our weaknesses on our sleeves. We can’t hide our weight like an alcoholic can hide the bottle. What would that man have thought to say if I wasn’t heavy? Would he have bothered at all?
This morning I was still feeling a bit self conscious, one of my co-workers offered me a girl guide cookie and I practically threw her out of my office. She’s definitely not going to be offering me any more cookies any time soon, though I suppose that’s for the best. Somehow though, I managed to stay motivated. I had my typical breakfast, I had a salad for lunch, and even though I had a bit of a testy afternoon work-wise, instead of coming home and eating away my stress, I whipped up a quick stir-fry and headed off to the swimming pool to burn some calories.
I’m back to feeling great tonight, though I suspect I’ll still have that jerk and his comment in the back of my head for a while. I finally feel like I can stay positive and keep plugging away. I’m also being realistic and healthy about my weight loss and not driving myself crazy because the scale isn’t reflecting a decline as fast as I want it to. I feel good.
As a side note, I wrote last night’s post out of frustration because after such a shitty end to my day, there was no one here to talk to about it. No one checking in on me, calling to ask how my day was, or here to notice that I was upset. I know that I can always talk to you guys, or my friends or family, but it’s not quite the same. I miss having the support system that comes from sharing your life with someone, that’s all.