Do you ever feel like you’re wrapped up in a cocoon and no matter how hard you push at the walls, you’re completely trapped?
I had that feeling this afternoon. I had become so irritated by the smallest things balling up over the weekend that I wanted to unzip my skin and step out of my life for a little while. I’m upset with myself for being so easily irritated, but yet I’m also well aware that some things, like family, have the ability to bring out the worst in me.
Every year around this time I start getting anxious for spring to really arrive, and as Mother Nature throws out the last of her snow storms for the season, I find myself longing to move on from winter and get back to living. Why is it that winter always makes life seem so bleak? I never seem to realize how bummed out it has me, until spring starts peaking through the clouds to tease.
Yesterday I drove to the suburbs to visit my Mom. I was bored and needed to get out, and she needed me to do a couple things around the house for her as she’s still somewhat sore from her surgery, and not allowed to lift anything (her surgery went really well by the way, and they didn’t see any obvious signs of cancer!).
A strong point of tension between my Mother and I is- and has always been- her eating habits and the impression they formed on me and my brother. So, as I’ve been trying to lose weight I’ve also been trying to gently encourage my Mom to be a better role model and to eat healthier alongside my brother and I, and since I’ve been doing her shopping over the last few weeks, I’ve been stocking her fridge with healthier options.
While I was visiting yesterday, I decided to whip up a salad and some sandwiches for lunch, but as I was clearing the plates I noticed that my Mom hadn’t eaten any of the lettuce from her salad. I actually found myself telling her half-jokingly that she “wasn’t allowed any dessert until she finished her dinner”. What the fuck. Is she five? I know I had said it jokingly (and it really had no weight seeing as I hadn’t brought any dessert), but on the inside, the frustration was bubbling.
This morning, I woke up feeling anxious to get out again, so I spent an hour or so wandering around Chapters (I bought Jane Eyre and a gorgeous photo frame to match my bedroom decor, compliments of a gift card from my friend CH- thanks girl!) and then I decided to go for a drive (I love to drive) so I headed back to the ‘burbs to visit with my Mom and Grandma.
I like to call it “too much Mom syndrome”, but she honestly drives me batty sometimes. I don’t know if it’s just that we’re such different people, or perhaps that I’m overly irritable (or maybe both), but ever since I was a teenager I get to this point with my Mom where every little thing she says or does drives me to anger. The way she always talks so loud (I’m really sensitive to this in public as I’ve always found it quite embarrassing), to her mannerisms, to the way she
asks tells me to do things I’m already in the process of doing, like for example, telling me to take the lunch dishes into the kitchen whilst I’m already obviously reaching for her plate. I know that seems like a small and ridiculous thing, but it’s constant and sometimes I just want to shout out “what the bloody effing hell does it look like I’m doing?!!“. After all, I’d like to think I’m very well mannered. I spent a lot of time with my Grandmother as a child and out of respect for her I was adamant about being polite. Holding doors open, clearing the table after dinner, doing the dishes, offering someone a drink if I’m heading to the kitchen anyway. Those are all things I’ve always done, and so why my Mother feels the need to constantly nag is beyond me.
Today the irritation started before I even got there. I had called her as I left the city to ask if she wanted me to stop at Subway and grab some sandwiches for dinner, as I didn’t feel like cooking. “What would you like?” I asked her, and of course her order was one of the unhealthiest things on the menu and she wanted it on white bread with hardly any veggies- so I got frustrated and argued with her about the fact that she could at least get it on whole wheat bread, but no, she was adamant- white it was.
You know, it’s not really the bread or the lack of vegetables that bothers me. It’s not like I sit there analyzing what my friends are eating when we go out to dinner. It’s just that my Mom has no concept of being a healthy role model. I know that I’m an adult now, and I make my own choices, but I feel for my younger brother who so badly wants to be healthy and fit, but struggles because of what’s made available to him. It makes me so fucking mad to see parents sabotage their children’s chances at a healthy lifestyle, and even as an adult, it would be nice if my Mother cared enough about herself and her family to quite making potatoes from a box and be supportive of our decisions.
So that’s why I’m irritated today, but I’m frustrated because I know I’m passionate and emotional in life, and sometimes it leads me to become angered by things that are beyond my control, things that shouldn’t get me as riled up as they do. I guess I have a hard time letting things go, and that’s something I need to work on.
In other news… the Angel Seminar I went to on Friday evening was interesting, but I left somewhat uninspired. As I’ve said in previous posts, I believe in mediumship and spirituality, but I think if it’s possible to meditate so deeply that I can communicate with my loved ones who have passed on, it would take a hell of a lot of practice… and I’m just not there. I suppose I’m also somewhat skeptical that it wouldn’t be my mind creating these images and words– I have no doubt that it’s possible to communicate, I’m just not sure where the line between wanting it so bad you create it, and it actually happening is.