Climbing Walls

I went through a lot with my ex. A LOT. So much so that it took me two years to even entertain the thought of having another relationship… and even now, coming up quickly on three years, I’m still very hesitant at the idea.

I am not afraid to be alone, but I am afraid that I might pass up something great.

I suppose it’s my pride that’s really getting in the way. After my ex and I split, I felt naive and stupid. I was humiliated. I swore I was never going to make those mistakes again. I was never going to feel that way about myself again.

The last three years for me, have been about rebuilding my life and my confidence. I am twice the woman I was when I met my ex, and I feel unbelievably good about that. The problem is that I have a lot more at stake now. I’m afraid of making myself vulnerable again, because I don’t want to crash and burn. If I were to make another wrong relationship choice, I could lose everything I’ve worked so hard for… and so I have walls up.

Really big ass walls.

…and I’m not sure how to find that happy medium, that place where I can be safe and still take chances. But that’s why they call it “taking chances” right? Because without risk, there is no reward.

Well, I’m not sure I’m okay with that theory. But I’m trying.

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19 thoughts on “Climbing Walls

  1. I am only 15 but, heres my advice. I’m guessing you’re much older than me, so this is probably awkward…

    I suggest going on dates, finding someone you fancy and whom understand you alot. And if you decide to further the relationship, tell him about your insecurities. It won’t make you vulnerable if that person does care about you. It’ll make you honest. And to have a good relationship, both of you should be aware of doubts, insecurities, etc.

    Theres my dumb advice.Great post though:)

    Much love, Alex

    • Hi Alex!

      That’s pretty good advice for a fifteen year old, actually! Thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment.

      I think for me, the problem lies somewhere between finding someone I fancy and furthering the relationship. I tend to panic and bail. Hard to tell a guy what’s on your mind when you’re already out the door and down the street, right?! Haha.

      I’m working on that, though. :)

  2. You have to risk some of yourself for a good relationship…that’s all there is to it. I *do* know how hard that is though. I could have easily closed up, built huge walls, after the ex and I ended. But I chose not to. I think it’s best that I didn’t. I can get really lost in my own self easily…depression comes quickly to me. I would have been depressed alone, that I’m sure. I think you’ll find that happy medium–when it’s right. You don’t have to lose your guard right away…keep it there to protect you from the douche bags that come along!! Then you’ll find yourself risking when the time is right!

    • Well bugger.

      lol.

      I know I have to put myself out there, it’s just really hard for me to do it. It’s not even fear of having my heart broken that holds me back… it’s the material stuff (wow am I superficial or what?). I’m worried I’ll get all wrapped up in someone in a bad way and jeapordize the important things in my life– like my career. I’m scared of making some stupid decisions and leaving my life in schambles again. How the hell do you spell shambles? Sch…sc… ah fuck it.

  3. Oh, IntrigueMe, I could have written this post. My walls are HIGH. I mean, some big ass walls we are talking about here. It is so difficult to imagine being vulnerable again. It seems so much easier to soldier on alone. I fear getting hurt again, making another bad choice, making an even bigger mistake that potentially could disrupt the delicate way of living that I have put into place.

    I think that Soccer Mom is right, we have to take a risk in order to be happy. But its scary. Super scary. And I’m not sure how ready I am. I hope for your sake that you are ready and that you are able to open yourself back up again. I am rooting for you!

    • “It feel so much easier to soldier on alone.”

      That about sums it up, doesn’t it? If anyone screws up my life now, it’s going to be me. Perhaps I have issues with control? lol.

      I think we have built pretty good lives for ourselves. I just hate thinking that I didn’t build it with anyone else in mind. I don’t think that’s very fung shuie or whateverthefuckitscalled. Man, my spelling today is horrendous. I need a nap.

      P.S. I’m rooting for you too!!

  4. The walls probably need rock climbing gear to get over sometimes, right? But ya know what? I think you are so far THERE, on top of those walls than maybe you even realize. Take the chance, I swear, it’ll be worth it either way. (and what chance are we talking about..hmmm?) XO.

    • Ya think? I think I *want* to be there, but whenever I think about an *actual* possibility, I freak. In theory, I can do it. In practice…

      heh…

      And umm… *COUGH* Whatever do you mean?

  5. Don’t worry about it being almost 3 yrs since your ex. Bc I waited 4 and a half years. wow. When I think of that I think of so much wasted time. I think you and I enjoy each other’s blogs because we are in VERY similar places in our lives romantically/and in our own self-growth. The post I wrote about today is exactly about this. Being afraid to be vulnerable again. Being scared of being hurt again. But I’m soooo glad I read your post because you talk about making “mistakes” or making the “wrong relationship choice” and it made me realize that I don’t have to worry about that because Mr. U isn’t a mistake and he’s not a wrong choice. I don’t know if it’ll work out. But he’s a great guy and he really cares about me. We have a lot of fun together and we like each other for the right reasons.

    Marisa commented above: “It is so difficult to imagine being vulnerable again. It seems so much easier to soldier on alone. I fear getting hurt again, making another bad choice, making an even bigger mistake that potentially could disrupt the delicate way of living that I have put into place.” While this is exactly how I DID feel it occurs to me I don’t have to “imagine” feeling this way. I already made the choice not to be alone. I already have put myself out there and am vulnerable and I’ve already disrupted my way of living. I’m not sure if I’m ready or if I can open myself up again, but despite the hesitations, fear, vulnerability, etc. I must be ready. Because if I love him, I have opened myself up. I’ve taken a risk. My heart was ready and knew it better than I did.

    So my advice after that novel (sorry) is that if you find someone and you can’t not be with them and you develop those feelings for them then YOU ARE READY, it is right. Because the reason we’ve been out of the game so long was because we WERENT, and somewhere deep inside we knew that. But now I am, and maybe you are too because its so much easier to “soldier on alone.” Choosing the hard way, means we can handle it.

    • How did you get so damn smart? :)

      I need to make it over to read your latest posts. Made it over yesterday but only had time for one.

      I’m hoping that when I meet someone who’s “right”, it will just feel good and fall into place. Is that realistic? I don’t know.

      It’s definitely hard to allow someone into a life I built just for me. Especially when I kinda like said life!

  6. There’s so much more at stake. That’s how I feel too. I am such a better person than I was while dating the EX. I like myself soooo much more. What if I lose myself again in the next relationship? Either fortunately or unfortunately, I can’t help but take risk after risk. I obviously differ from you in that. We need to find a happy medium between the two of us. But at the heart of it, I really do believe in love. It’s funny, I don’t believe in a lot of stuff, but true love’s got me hooked. I get the feeling that there’s more behind this post, and I’m hoping it comes out someday. I think you’re actually really strong for holding out for 3 years. But maybe it’s time to build a gate into those walls? :-)

    • I loved reading this comment :) thank you for it.

      I think with certain men, I have a tendency to fall into things too quickly and too deeply… and so far, those have all been guys who were wrong/bad for me. I think that’s another reason I’m so hesitant… because I fall for some irresistably wrong guy, make really riddiculous choices, then am left wondering how the eff that happened to me. I wish I only fell head over heels for the GOOD guys. Like, for example, that guy just recently who liked me WAY too much and wouldn’t stop texting me. I bet he’d have been a great guy to have a relationship with, aside from the annoying bit, but I don’t fall for the guys who could be good for me. Where’s the fun in that? Ahh… this is so stupid. (See this is what I do, I get frustrated and I put my walls back up.)

  7. I’m the queen of the panic and bail. I think now though, I see it coming, I see myself doing it. It’s easier to stop (not much) when you realize you’re doing it.

    And I know this is the last thing you want to hear, but it does get easier with time. I could have written this word for word after The Ex Before The Ex. I turned down potentially great relationships with great guys I really liked because I knew I wasn’t ready.

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