If You’re Going to be Single, do Singleness Well

The last month or so I’ve spent a lot of time talking to my friends about their relationships. I’ve been watching certain relationships bloom and others possibly come to and end, and its all got me thinking about my own relationship status: single.

Now if you know me or you’ve spent any amount of time reading my blog, then you’ll know I go through bouts of loneliness and periods of boredom where I casually date, but for the most part I’m pretty happy with my self-imposed singledom. I’m happy with it because I firmy believe that everyone needs to know how to be single, and to appreciate and take advantage of it, before they tie themselves down.

I have developed this attitude for my own life, I need to be personally successful before any relationship I am in will be successful. And by successful, I mean happy, proud, and achieving. I need to ensure that I am satisfied with my career, my finances, my home, my body, and my confidence before I can even consider entering into another long-term relationship. And, this is not an opinion I have because I am single and I need to justify it, but because I wasn’t always single- in fact, had fate not directed me in another path, I’d have been “celebrating” my second anniversary on Monday in what was sure to have been a miserable marriage. I made mistakes and I learned from them, and that is why I feel the way I do now. I figured out that it was going to take time for me to know myself (or become myself) enough to be relationship-successful.

So during my self reflections tonight, I decided to type “what does it mean to be single?” into Google, and I was very intrigued by the first article I happened to click on. It was written by a Minister, so it’s from a religious perspective and while I would never describe myself as religious, I think the message of the article reads the same: Everyone needs time to be single to create or re-discover their own identity.

Again, I don’t want to belittle how tough it can be to be single, and some of you are an example to us all about how to embrace your circumstances to the glory of God! But I fear others of you are short-changing yourselves. Singleness is hard, but it’s also a gift that should not be wasted.

Almost as long as I’ve written this blog, I’ve had the same quote on my home page. I’ve had it there because I need to remind myself of this sometimes, because being single doesn’t mean never being lonely, it simply means having the strength to allow people into your life not because you need them there, but because you want them there. Being single means having strength, confidence, and faith in yourself, and this article was exactly what I needed to remind myself of that today.

“Your freedom is not a penance. It’s a reward for all the time you gave up your freedom to take care of others. It is for this reason that you sometimes have had to be reminded not to collapse into a scene that erodes your liberty.” -Michael Lutin

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22 thoughts on “If You’re Going to be Single, do Singleness Well

  1. Wow, seriously this is really what I needed to hear! If you read my post – sort of in jest – about asking the universe to “Date me” I have been in one of those sick of being alone moments (as you note above sort of too) and this is so true, and you are so right, being successful on your own first and with yourself is very important. Thank you, needed this! XO!

  2. Pingback: I’m tired. « To Be Determined

  3. I just *wish* i had those emails we sent back and forth after ‘it’ happened. I remember telling you to take time for YOU and to really put yourself first. I am glad you are!! But back then you were still in the stings of the breakup and all that it entailed and it was hard to see the importance of putting yourself first and working on yourself. I wouldn’t trade or change my relationship for the WORLD, but sometimes I am a wee bit jealous of you being able to do everything for yourself and act a little selfish (in a good way).

    • Ah yes, I remember those emails Christy. It’s amazing how even the strongest women lose themselves in bad relationships. I always knew where I wanted (and needed) to be, I just struggled for a while trying to get there. I am proud of myself though- because as you know, it wasn’t exactly an easy situation to move on from. :) And, for the first time in my life I’m putting myself first (and certainly being a little selfish), but I’m happier than I’ve ever been and without making myself happy, I could never make the people in my life happy. I still have a lot to conquer though! It’s a two way street to, ya know, I love this time I get to focus on myself… but I sure hope to have what you and R have someday! :) Thanks for the comment. xoxo

  4. I agree with this 100%. Even though being single is really freakin hard sometimes…it is necessary. And I’m finally coming to terms with that. You have to love yourself before you can every love anyone else.

  5. Great post! I love the quote! I just had a conversation with Philly Matt this week in which he said, “I get it. Being alone sucks.” To which I replied, “No. It doesn’t. I’m less stressed, happier and far more productive when I’m not in a relationship.”

    • Me too… I am much more ambitious and productive when I’m single. Boys get in the way of all the other things I need to get done! I’m also healthier when I’m alone too!!

  6. I love this. I couldn’t agree more with the sentiment. I see too many people whining about being single and treating it like a punishment or a waiting period. I plan to be a little more active in “doing singleness well.”

    • You’re right, a lot of people do see it as a punishment and I just don’t get that. You should never *need* another person to fulfill you. Not having a significant other isn’t a punishment, you just don’t… so what? Sure it’s lonely sometimes, but what the heck, do we not have two legs and a brain of our own?

      Thanks for your comment! :)

  7. Love it. So true. I’m working on loving myself with 100% acceptance before I allow another man love me. I think that will be an issue in any relationship i attempt until I tackle it head on. So I’m going to take this season of singleness to tackle it head on.

  8. Singleness sucks sometimes, I agree. I too have discovered that if you don’t care for yourself then you won’t be ready for a relationship when the possibility arrives.

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