I lost my job a month ago; I was laid off. I broke up with the guy I’ve been seeing this morning. We weren’t looking for the same things. I had to put my dog down a couple of weeks ago; he had an inoperable lump on his neck. I have PMS today, and I’m struggling to keep my life in perspective and put on a smile. I have some sort of hormonal disorder, PMDD or something like that, and the meds I was taking gave me migraines so I had to stop taking them. I’ve been emotionally up and down for the last few weeks because of it. My weight is a big contributor to my hormonal issues. It causes me to feel depressed, anxious and lazy. I feel like crap most of the time so I struggle to find the motivation to do anything about it. It’s this cyclical head game I play with myself.
My adoption plans are temporarily on hold while I look for a new job. That has me pretty bummed out. I’m considering a career change, because I basically hate what I do for a living and I want to be passionate about something. I am thinking about getting my BA in Psych through an online school, but it’s a hard decision. It’s going to cost a lot of money and be a lot of work for the next four years, the same years in which I’ll be starting a family. But, I’m getting older and I feel like if I don’t do it now, there won’t be much point later. I feel sad that I made the wrong career decisions when I was young – following the money instead of my heart.
As you can see, I have all of these things swirling around in my head right now and it’s hard to think clearly. I’d like to jump in the car and just start driving – that usually helps. What I should do is get some exercise but I don’t have any equipment at home. That’s an excuse, of course.
This is the first picture I snapped of Snowy after I “inherited” him from my dad. We had just come out of the pet store where he got his own dog bed, a new collar and some treats to take to his new home. Today we had to put Snowy down because he had a cancerous lump in his neck that couldn’t be removed. He spent his last hour curled up with his momma. We’ll have him cremated and spread him with my dad in the mountains; my brother wanted that. I have promised him he’ll get a belly rub from grandpa when he gets to heaven.
In May I met a 14yr old boy named Cody at an adoption party. He was awesome, but I was holding out for a sibling group. I decided to look into him again recently and just today discovered that he’s been placed with a family. It is always bittersweet to hear about placements of kids you’re interested in – but I’m so glad he has a home now.
I’ve inquired about lots of kids over the past several months. Most of them from the public website. None have panned out yet. The trouble is that the kids on the website are the “hard to place” ones, who’ve been resorted to marketing tactics to find them homes. We don’t get to see files for the majority of the kids in care. We as adoptive parents have to leave our lives in the hands of a social worker – a stranger – and hope that they’re doing everything they can to match us with a child and expand our families.
It’s hard not to feel like you’re just another file sitting on someone’s desk. Usually, you are. I contact my social worker once every couple of weeks to ask questions and make sure we’re making strides in the direction of our end goal. What is that saying… the squeakiest wheel gets the grease.
In the meantime, I sit and I wait and I hope for a child to bring noise and laughter and life into my home and into my heart.